Relationships happen.
There’s not always a rhyme or reason to it. They are not always planned. We don’t always choose who or what we want to be in relationships with. They just happen. Neither do we always know or consider why we get into relationships in the first place. Is it for love, true friendship, and connection; or do we do it for personal gratification, affirmation, and approval?
Before I came on the race, I was in a serious relationship with countless people whom I let determine my value. I loved my job, the money I brought home, the achievement, and the recognition. I carried so much pride in the treasures I was storing up for myself through career accomplishments, singing on stage at church on Sundays, being the youngest member of a community advancing organization, or the baggage I could keep hidden to save face…anything that made me feel important in the eyes of my society.
Here is where I found my identity, in this tiny little box the world calls “success.”
Here, you smile and wave.
Here, you look good.
Here, you are happy.
But I wasn’t happy. I was living a facade. I wasn’t building the Kingdom, I was building me. And for what? To “look established” in the eyes of others? To feel accepted? To be worth something? Meanwhile, slowly breaking on the inside.
The Lord was not finished breaking me when I left my job, my secrets, and my home in January. I thought that leaving those things behind meant that I could move forward and forget. Before I departed, a friend expressed that he felt this year would be a season of honesty for me. The thought of being genuine with a group of almost strangers about my mess scared the crap out of me! I wanted to just start all over and fake being someone new until I actually became someone new. Within the first two months, those fears shrunk drastically. My heart started to change. I shared my mess with my teammates and they showed me more love than I ever anticipated. Yet, the funny thing is, the real affirmation I received came from the Father, the only One we ever need affirmation from. And he gives abundantly!
The weight of acceptance slowly started to lift off of my shoulders as I began to grasp what it means,
by Gods sweet grace, to be in love with who
I am.
