The Lord is doing some really awesome things in Zambia, especially on my team. Our first day of ministry was Wednesday at the Libuyu compound and we already had immense pleasure in leading a woman to know Christ. I pray she will understand the decision she made and will walk boldly in her new faith. I was incredibly nervous about door to door (more like bungalow to bungalow) evangelism. That’s not something people are super gung-ho about in the States. Our ministry here is all about hearing a word from God and sharing with the person we are visiting, without knowing much about their life to begin with. The first day I felt like I was having to pull stuff out of my bum to say to these people, praying that it might make sense with whatever they are dealing with, but I knew it was all of what Carrie could scramble to find and none of what the Father could provide. I hated it. That night I shared with my team about how I have been feeling a distance from God and I know it’s got to be me, not Him. I’ve asked the Lord to reveal why, be it disobedience or unrepentance. Dissapointedly disconnected, I just don’t hear anything from Him. Lately, I feel like I’ve been making up His voice in my head. After expressing my desperation with my team, they willingly prayed over me. (These guys are FOR REAL the greatest people I know!!!)
Then yesterday morning it was really hard to do my quiet time. It was like I was just reading a story instead of genuinely comprehending the word. Even my devotional didn’t speak to me in the powerful, thought provoking way it normally had. I was so frustrated with my distance from the Lord and I think the most disturbing part is knowing only I can fix it. I wasn’t looking forward to ministry on Thursday necessarily, although I knew I would enjoy it because I love visiting the people in their homes. Nonetheless, I figured it would be the same as the day before.
I did not experience any phenomenal shift where I suddenly heard Gods clear voice guiding me in delivering the Gospel to His people, but something changed. Sharing Gods word of encouragement with our brothers and sisters in Christ was a significant contrast to the day prior. I became alert to the Fathers gentle nudge anew. Specific passages and verses overflowed my being. What a glorious feeling! Hallelujah! Then, last night we had a really good Team Time and ended with some prayer for a few folks. During my turns to pray, I truly felt like I was praying the right thing. I know that sounds silly, but what I mean is that I didn’t have to make anything up. My words were heartfelt; I wasn’t empty. The weight of my frustration began to lift.
I think what needed to happen (as a first step at least) was to be completely exposed and raw with my team. It wasn’t super fun, but I believe it allowed for an intimacy between the Lord, my community, and myself for which I am sincerely grateful. Sometimes, I think we try too hard to figure thing out on our own while God clearly calls us to share our troubles with one another.
“Bear one anothers burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2
While the Lord called me to confess my struggle with my team, He additionally called them to carry my affliction in balance, thus living out Gods covenant of love. The more we open up ourselves to vulnerability, the more we make room for Christ to intercede our lives.
Therefore, I urge you friends – be vulnerable. Unguard your heart and open it wide to what the Father is seeking to reveal through you.
