I said no. I quit.
Okay, it’s not that dramatic. I quit, but not in an unhealthy, “I do what I want!” sort of way.
Let’s back up. I was raised up as a team leader at the end of month 3 of the Race, and I continued through month 7. During those four months of team leading, I learned more than I ever could have if I hadn’t followed the Lord into it. If the World Race is a pressure cooker, then team leading on the World Race is like being on the face of the sun.
Okay. That’s dramatic. I’ll stop.
On a more serious (and positive) note, the Lord taught me a lot during my season as a team leader. He taught me a lot about boldness and what that looks like for a quiet introvert like me. He showed me how often I question myself, and he showed me that I question others too. He taught me that a lot of decisions in life really aren’t that big of a deal. He freed me from a lot of anxiety and insecurities. He freed me from a lot of pressure that I put on myself to please those around me. He taught me (and is definitely still teaching me) how to love my teammates well. He humbled me and showed me that not everything is about me, especially as a leader. He gave me words when I didn’t have any. He helped me think and make decisions under pressure. He gave me guidance and strength when I was at the end of my rope. He helped me to be honest and vulnerable with my teammates during the hard seasons. He taught me to seek Him first. He taught me that serving others is great, but ultimately we serve Him. He taught me to not just trust Him for myself, but to also trust Him for other people.
Honestly, I had my good days and my bad days as a team leader. Sometimes I absolutely loved it. Sometimes I wanted to pack my bags and go home. I’m not going to lie- it was hard. But it was so worth it.
It was worth it because obeying the Lord is always worth it. He is always worth it. No matter what. If He’s asking us to be a street sweeper in China or a CEO in corporate America, both are equally worth it because we’re really serving Him. It was worth it to follow Him into leading, and it’s worth it following Him out. He’s worth following no matter what.
During my third month of team leading, I wanted to be done. I was staring my failures in the face and practically dreading even one more month of team leading. But God changed my heart… like He usually does if we let Him. He told me I wasn’t a failure. In fact, even if I did everything wrong, He still wouldn’t see me as a failure. Even in our weaknesses He is glorified. He gave me excitement for another month of team leading. He helped me stand back up, shake off the dust, and learn from the past.
I’m not saying the next month was all sunshine and roses. It was a hard part of the Race. The middle is hard. Everyone wants to go home on some level, you think you’re not making a difference, team time starts to feel old…
Future Racers: these things are normal, but they don’t have to be. Stand firm. Press in. Don’t give up.
But there was a noticeable difference in my heart. I was tired, but I didn’t want to run away anymore. I didn’t want to check out and be done. I started to realize all that the Lord had changed and grown in me, and I desired more of that. About halfway through my fourth month of team leading, I asked the Lord what He thought about the whole thing. Did He want me to keep going indefinitely, should I ask to step down, just one more month…? It all boiled down to the question of where there would be more growth in my life and in the lives of the people around me.
Really there’s nothing else to say besides that the Lord took me out of that season and asked me to step down. Obeying the Lord in that was the most freeing thing I did in those four months. Even in the act of saying “no,” God was working in me and teaching me.
Since then, the Lord has helped me battle doubts of whether that was the right choice or not. He’s helped me grieve team leading. Although the change has brought a breath of fresh air, team leading was a season that I loved and that brought a lot of freedom, healing, and joy. In some ways I still miss it, but I’m learning to fully embrace each new season with open arms, joy, and without wishing it were any different.
“Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad I Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in You.” Psalm 33: 20-22
“Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.” Psalm 63: 3-4
