When we arrived in Honduras, I had a feeling this month would be rough. The ministries sounded amazing, the people we're partnering with are amazing, and it's been so much fun to spend another month with most of S Squad, but I couldn't shake this feeling that it was going to be difficult.
Difficulties this month have ranged from wet willies from teenage boys and trying to teach English to boys to not having a real schedule and being around people 24/7. I'm starting to really miss some of the people and things back home (Oh, what I would do for a blanket, couch, and cup of hot tea right now…), but the month hasn't been rough just because of these things. If it was just these things, I'd be able to laugh about it and just move on.
It's kind of like the first 2 months of college when you LOVE where you're at and you're having SO much fun, but you still sort of miss home, and you can't ever seem to settle, and suddenly it hits you- this is a totally different way of life and you have to figure out who you are again.
I won't go into all the details of why this month has been so emotionally rough, but long story short, God is teaching me more and more about my identity apart from what I'm good at or what I do, and He's teaching me about persevering prayer.
Prayer is hard when you're burned out. It's hard when you're tired. It's hard when you've prayed and prayed about this person or for this thing for years and it doesn't seem like there's any progress. It's hard to keep praising Him through those seemingly quiet storms.
Persevering prayer is like running uphill. Your muscles burn, your heart rate is elevated, you can't breathe, and you want to stop and walk. Some people are better than others at just pushing through, but if you're anything like me, you'd rather just not go running at all. But when you keep it up and run up that hill every day for a week, it starts to get easier. It doesn't seem so long, so steep, or so pointless.
Through all of the uphill running I've been doing this month- literally and spiritually- God has still been so faithful in showering me in His Love. Even when I try to avoid Him, even when I'm overwhelmed, and even when I feel too tired to push through. His love never fails, and He never stops pouring it out. His love never runs out. He never stops pursuing us.
You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. Come with me from Lebanon, my bride; come with me from Lebanon. Depart from the peak of Senir and Hermon, from the dens of lions, from the mountains of leopards. You have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes… How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!
(I actually have been running uphill this month! My teammates Sara Katherine and Georgia and I started a running program that works up to running for 30 minutes straight in about 12 weeks. Right now we're up to running 3 minutes at a time with 3 minutes of walking in between- and we always seem to get the uphill stretches on the running parts! It's SO hard on these rocky roads, but it's SO worth it! Legs of steel, here we come!)
