Aside from all our fun ministry with the Quiche children and enjoying the Guatemalan culture, God is doing something in this squad, in my team, and in me.
I had a dream during launch in Atlanta that was incredibly vivid, and unlike most dreams, it's stayed with me ever since. The thing that stuck with me was just one phrase: "You keep forgetting that you were created." At first I thought it was nothing, but I wrote it down anyways.
There have been two times in the last few days that God has spoken to me and led me to write down what He was saying to me. The first one was during my morning quiet time as I journaled and sat in the courtyard. To give you a bit of context, it stems out of a lot of jumbled thoughts involving past wounds, my insecurities, and my own judgments of myself:
"Carrie, don't you know that I created you? Don't you know that I create good things? You were created, not an accident. You are imperfect and fallen, but I am refining you I have things to give others through you. Don't withhold it from them. You have been wounded, passed over, and forgotten, but not by Me. Oh, if you knew how I've protected you! You have been set aside for my purposes. Trust Me! See the family of brothers and sisters I've given you for this season? You may not feel included now, but you will be surprised by how intimate this family will become! My child, thank you for trusting me enough to go on this journey! That is a precious gift! You are on the precipice of something great…keep pressing forward! Keep seeking Me! I love you so much, daughter! I am yours and you are mine- rest in that."
The second time God spoke to me was during a group prayer session/ talk from one of our squad coaches. Our coaches walked around the room and prayed over each of us, and after I was prayed over, this is what I was led to write down:
"Oh my daughter, I love the spirit I made in you. You have a gentle, quiet spirit full of love. And I love that you are so yielded to me and continue to give yourself to me- but I want to give to you too! Come away with me, beloved! Come to me in the mornings, and I will feed you. I will show you who I am and show you new ways to express me and experience me. I am your sustenance. I LOVE you. I want to give you every good gift. You have great things ahead of you with me, and I can't wait to show you more of me! I need to do some things along the way, but we'll get there. Trust me. I love you!"
In hindsight, I think that dream was from the Lord, and it ties in perfectly with what He's been teaching me this month. He created me. All of me. When I hate myself or even compare myself with other people and wish I was like them, that isn't praising Him for His creation- me. Sure, I'm fallen. We all are. He's refining, redeeming, and sanctifying each of us. But once we are washed of our sins in the blood of the lamb, we are cleaned of all the gross stuff in us.
I think we all see the ugliness in ourselves and sometimes even hate ourselves, but God created each of us. We weren't just accidents, and he has a purpose for each of us. He LOVES us. All of us, and all of us. He wants to redeem our fallen nature and turn it into what he designed- he designs good things.
How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light. Oh, continue your steadfast love to those who know you, and your righteousness to the upright of heart! Let not the foot of arrogance come upon me, nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.
Psalm 36: 7-11
