It’s hard to come back from training camp and be asked, “So, how was it?” What do you say to something like that when you feel like a totally different person than when you left? I shared a tent (and sleeping pad and sleeping bag) with someone I knew for less than 48 hours, ate without utensils, went days without showering (and changing clothes…), shared a hammock for a night, saw a scorpion for the first time, danced a lot, sang a lot, and met a lot of amazing people!
Here’s my amazing S Squad! God has been faithful in bringing us together as a family over the past week- I don’t even know how it happened, but it did! These are the people that I’ll be travelling with from country to country over the next year, some of whom I’ll partner with in ministry depending on our location and the needs of each place.
This is my lovely team, Eshet Chayil! Our team name is Hebrew for “Woman of Valor” from Proverbs 31 about the virtuous woman. SO excited to serve with these ladies!! Top: Georgia Wartman, Meredith Snapp, Me; Middle: Ashley Minkel, Megan Liesmaki, Deanna Cook; Front: Sara Katherine Braucher
Now for the gritty stuff:
I went into training camp knowing God was going to change my life, but not knowing exactly how. I felt pretty free from past emotional baggage and pretty open and yielded to anything God wanted to do in me. So the first couple days go by, and I still feel empty and fairly distant from God. I haven’t had any huge revelation or “mountaintop experience” with God, and I start to feel confused. “Am I doing this wrong? Is there something getting in the way of hearing His voice?”
Up to this point, we’ve been listening to lectures on losses, healing and forgiveness, relational intimacy with God, “spiritual temperaments,” and prayer for healing. It was all great, and I’m sure it’ll come into my blogs in the future. But the one that really got my attention was “The Role of the Holy Spirit in the Believer’s Life.”Honestly, I might have fallen asleep during it at one point, but I heard what I needed to, and it was the prayer/worship time afterwards that was the best anyways.
During this time of reflection, I began to weep. Not nice tears, either. It was the snot-running-down-your-face kind of crying. In a nutshell, the Holy Spirit convicted me of my fear, cut it out, and washed me of it.
He washed me of timidity in my life, He convicted me of the fear I have of sharing my testimony of Him with others (even other Christians), and He washed and healed me from the wounds of past relationships. At one point, I could feel Him cutting out the fear that has so long enchained me. He convicted me of my pride. He convicted me of holding onto the gifts and talents He’s given me instead of giving and loving others out of them. He told me that a relationship with Him isn’t about how hard I try, but that He will give me what I need and all I need to do is trust Him. He told me “I know the path I have marked out for you: who you’ll minister to, who I will change through you. Do not fear.” He flooded my heart with His love.
I wrote this in my journal during one of these worship/prayer sessions:
“He is tender! He is pulling you out, away from weak Christianity. It hurts, but He is loving you every second of the way- He’s not leaving!”
As much as this whole process hurt, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. My spirit feels so much more peaceful and rested in Him. And this is only the beginning! He is powerful, active, faithful, and He wants to use us to testify to His greatness and lead others to Him and into a Spirit-filled life! What are we waiting for?
I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God. And I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. And I will summon the grain and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you. Ezekiel 36: 25-29
