Our time in Vietnam was externally another of my favorite months. Internally (emotionally, spiritually) it was probably my hardest yet. Every day it seemed was a battle to believe who I was in Jesus and who that makes me to be in the world. One night as I was praying I got into a bit of creative writing. Take it for what it’s worth… another revelation of the Father’s love.
2/11/11- There is a place for me, a place called home; if I can only
remember to go there. It is there that I meet with my Father God. The Lord is
so many things and roles and attributes. My favorite right now, and the one I
am desperate to know is Him as Father. In that place of my heart, He is
always there waiting. He is always near the fire and thinking of me. He is
always thinking pleasant things and how proud He is of me and of the good plans
He has for my future, both immediate and afar off. He is always waiting for me
and calling my name.
‘Carrie. My Carrie bird, come here.’
I am reluctant because I am ashamed. It’s been a long day of
bad decisions and selfishness.
‘Carrie. Come. I want to see my girl’s face.’
I crawl down the ladder but avoid eye contact. Maybe He
won’t see that I’ve been crying. Maybe this will be short- just a question
about the day. About tomorrow.
But no. I sit on the stool near the fire and stare into it. It won’t do. He is next to me and His hand is under my chin. ‘Have you been crying?’
I just want to make it stop. Make the day stop. Make this
moment stop. I don’t want to tell Him all about it. I am ashamed.
He stops stroking my cheek where fresh tears have started to
fall. He instead grabs my hand and pulls me up to standing. He draws me to Himself
and wraps both those large arms around me. His fingers are interlocked behind
me. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon. I stand there limp with arms
dangling, but the tears keep coming and are now being soaked up by his shirt. I start to cry harder and there are gasps and muffled sounds as I lean
into His belly. I put up one arm and then the other. Of course I want to hug
Him.
‘My girl, I know it’s been a hard day. It
doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you are here with me. I’ve been
waiting all day to show you I love you.’
I could stay here all day. Being held up in arms that are
able.
