This year I am called to discomfort.
I am tired
most of the time. I could use more showers. It took me 7 days to
realize we had an air conditioner in our room and to stop sweating myself to
sleep.
But this is not the discomfort I am talking about.
I’m talking about intentional community. (Please see my
‘Feedback’ blog if you have not already read it.) I’m referring to not
having the option to sweep things under the carpet or to avoid the person that rubs you the wrong way. In normal life these things are easy to avoid under the guise of social conventions, politeness, or professionalism. At it’s most drastic, protection and avoidance would look like isolation.
Not an option. I cannot get away from my team. And they cannot get away from me.
This year, my team gets to be so incredibly aware of my
junk and brokenness. They get to encourage me when I feel like quitting. We get to be each other’s biggest fans. We get to be each other’s sharpening iron (Proverbs 27:17). We get to offer grace to each other.
Uncomfortable things I am already dealing with:
Brokenness over my father and my relationship, wishing I had
been more affirmed in certain areas.
Reconciling the fact that in past situations or
relationships, I have felt forced into the role of initiator or fixer, and I am tired from it.
The fact that I still have no idea how to deal with or
express anger.
Deep feelings of insecurity about being overlooked, passed
up, replaced, found lacking, forgotten, or rejected.
Worry about close relationships with girls, that they will
end bad or hit irreconcilable conflicts.
Fear about leading anything or anyone.
Realizing how much of my heart is still religious and legalistic. I desire an understanding of living in the spirit, and freedom from this self-righteousness battle that I still try to fight.
These are all things that I discuss with the Lord on a regular basis. These are also things I have talked with (and will continue to talk with) my team about. Please pray for us as we continue to grow in relationship together. This month has been harder for our team, but I fully believe God is using it to bring us into deeper and better things.
