Malaysia… a country where sharing the Gospel can get you arrested. A place where saying the name Jesus can ruin connections and relationships that have been built by our ministry host through years of patience and perseverance. A place where wearing a Christian shirt can make the people in Malaysia wary of your intentions and mistrust the reason you are in Malaysia.
This is where my team and I are this month. For the last three weeks we have been teaching English at a private school that is owned and run by Christians missionaries but it has no Christian based curriculum. I think that the hardest thing about being here is not being able to speak with freedom about who God is and how He loves us all. It has become very apparent how much He is integrated in my life because of what I can or cannot talk about now. When I had freedom of religion speech, I didn’t realize how much who I am is based on Him as much as I do now because I can’t talk about Him now. It is also showing me how much I need Him to be able to love through a smile.
I started noticing a difference in me when I didn’t spend time with God. I noticed when I didn’t pray or talk to Him every day. I noticed how who I am and how I react to other people around me was so intertwined with who He is that it could affect me positively or negatively depending on how much time I spent in His presence. When I smile and say hi to people, I don’t want them to see me. I want them to see my Father, my Lord, and my Savior. When I walk down the street in a city where preaching about the love of God can get you arrested, I want the light of God to be with me. He has called us to be lights in the darkness… to love the ones who don’t know who He is… to share who He is by what we do and not by what we say – by loving through a smile.
It has been a difficult month for me, even though it has been amazing. I love my new team, the people I do ministry with, and the country we are in… but I do not love teaching English. I do not feel comfortable standing at a white board to teaching children and teenagers how to speak English or spell words correctly or be grammatically correct. And yet, this is what is asked of me this month. I have been asked to teach and to serve and to share the Gospel just by being a follower of Christ who loves and teaches and encourages through a smile. Some people will go their whole lives never being taught about Jesus, but can be led to Him through love… through a smile. God doesn’t always ask us to do something we enjoy, but He has called me to this place for a reason, for this season.
I came on to the race thinking about all the wonderful things I would be able to experience or do for other people. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t know how much. I knew He was going to change me, but I didn’t know how hard it would be to allow Him to change me. I knew He was going to ask me to serve, but I didn’t know that serving isn’t always a tangible job… sometimes it means sitting on a train and talking to someone when all you really want to do is watch a movie or sleep. I knew God was going to ask me to love, but I didn’t know that the way I love out of my own ability wasn’t going to be enough. I foolishly thought I had this whole “missions” thing in the bag; never knowing that it isn’t about “missions” at all… it’s about being the person God created me to be and loving everyone despite where I’m at in my walk with Him. It’s about Him loving people through me, not me loving people because He called me to. I can’t love well with what I have or who I am. I can only love well through the love of God in me, and sometimes all it takes for people to feel the love of Christ is through a smile!
Thank you, everyone, who has helped support me and pray for me these 5 months so far. I am truly blessed and so grateful to you all!
