Pretty much ever since entering Africa I’ve had trouble sleeping. I couldn’t really figure it out, but after the first month in Ethiopia, I realized it was anxiety. That ugly creature had made its return. I’ve struggled with anxiety for years, but hadn’t had a real issue with it in over a year at this point. I was feeling frustrated and defeated that it had returned. I felt like I had failed and was letting God down because if I have anxiety, it means I’m not trusting Him, right? God taught me otherwise.
God spent the first few months of the Race teaching me and showing me how much He loves me and how I am not just a mere subject in His kingdom, but that I am of the royal family- I am His daughter. It’s still something He gently reminds me of every day. He makes sure I know I’m loved.
In the last half of the Race, I would say He has been challenging me on my trust in Him. He’s so good and kind to make sure I was secure in His love before challenging me. I have no doubt this internal faith struggle manifested itself physically through anxiety.
So the month in Ethiopia and most of the month in Rwanda I didn’t sleep and was incredibly, increasingly frustrated by it. I prayed for sleep, I read the Bible, I wrote in my journal, and thought about every scenario my brain could possibly think of, good and bad. Of returning home, of returning to Africa, of the holidays, of family, of fundraising, of working, etc. You name it, I probably thought about it.
Unfortunately, these thoughts were out of control. I couldn’t rein them in. Nights became a dread to me, because I knew no matter how tired I was, as soon as my head hit the pillow, the never ending thoughts would come. My brain had become so loud. And it was starting to drag into my daytime life as well. I became unfocused to the point I couldn’t really read my Bible or pray.
This month however, unlike the last two months, I decided to push through it because I knew it was the enemy trying to tear me down. I realized his tactic of anxiety and doubt. The enemy uses anxiety as a sick cycle that makes me doubt God, which leads to shaming myself for doubting God. But God doesn’t mind if we doubt Him, because it often leads to Him being able to have deeper conversation with us. So I kept pressing into the Father so He may reveal Himself to me.
I kept opening my Bible and reading what I could, even if my brain was somewhere off in LaLa Land. I kept praying, even if I felt like they weren’t 100% heartfelt because I felt they were just hitting the ceiling.
Then, as the nights came, I decided to make it my mission to turn them into opportunity. I started praying specifically about the thoughts and concerns that crossed my mind. I became less frustrated and more focused. I became more intense with the Father. I drew near to Him…and as He has promised, He drew near to me. I feel victorious. Not because I can sleep now, because I still cannot. No, I feel victorious because I know that even in sleepless nights, He is near and He listens.
The things I specifically prayed about, I watched/heard Him specifically answer in the last week in Rukungiri, Uganda, and now I get to praise Him for it. I still don’t sleep like I want to, but the worried thoughts are not the problem anymore. I know when sleepless nights come, it can be turned into an intimate time with the Father, spilling my heart to Him as He holds me close and listens intently. Then, it’s my turn to listen as He speaks peace and comfort into my soul. Sleepless nights are truly beautiful.
“Wait on the LORD,
Be of good courage;
And He will strengthen your heart,
Wait, I say, on the LORD!”
Psalm 27:14
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My last day of Race ministry was Saturday, November 12, 2016. I haven’t hit the grieving process yet, but I’m sure it will come. I am grateful for the Father’s love and that I can trust in Him even when things hurt or are difficult, because He makes them beautiful. I’d like to ask for your prayers as I head into the final week overseas. Debrief will be fun, but probably full of tears- happy and sad. It’s going to be good…I know it is, because He is good.
I am going to create another blog where I’ll be keeping kind of an open journal/ thoughts I have for when I get home, as my Race will be ending. I will post here with that information once I have it created.
