¡Hola! from Costa Rica!
I don’t even know where to begin…so much has happened in a week. It feels like forever, but it feels like I’m blinking and the time disappears.
There’s honestly too much to try to explain here. We’ve done manual labor, loved on orphans and the elderly, and had some fun on our own.
We’ve dug deep as a team. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve challenged, and we’ve learned more together than I thought possible in just 9 short days.
Again, there’s so much I want to share, but for now, I will stick to one thing God has been teaching me this week:
Listening. I’ve considered myself a good listener for a while…but I’m learning this week I’m not as great as I thought.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked God to speak to me…begged, even. More often than not, I don’t feel like I get a clear response. I’ve gotten so frustrated with His lack of answer.
Two days into the Race, during team time, God began to show me my stubbornness.
”Trust the Painter’s hand. Don’t discard what I say to you
just because it isn’t what you wanted to hear or how you wanted to hear it.
I am not silent.”
See, I have this tendency to discard things He tells me if they’re not as profound sounding as I want. But sometimes, most times, He speaks to us plainly in a way we will understand. Huh…..just like I asked Him to.
Then, after this realization, comes the next phase: beating myself up for not listening.
I love our God…He always knows what to say.
”I do not condemn you. Why do you condemn yourself? It is I who made you. I made You the way I wanted. You are my child. Stop scolding yourself and just listen.”
I am the one standing in my own way. I greatly value concrete examples and ideas. I do not comprehend the abstract very well. I always want a loud, audible voice from God, instead of quieting myself before Him and listening. It’s so hard for me to discipline myself to quiet my mind to listen. I want bells, whistles, and flashing signs. It’s aggravating when it seems everyone else can “hear from God” and I can’t even tell if He’s listen to me.
Well, after struggling with this and getting angry at God for not quieting my mind for me, He finally broke through…basically, I could pretty much hear that audible voice I wanted…but He was yelling at me.
Yesterday, we were helping in an elderly home. I’ve NEVER felt comfortable in an elderly home, let alone the fact we don’t even share a common language.
Or so I thought.
I sat frustrated that I couldn’t respond to one of the older women who just kept babbling to me.
I can’t even understand you…talk to a teammate or a nurse who can.
I’m ashamed to say, that was my literal thought. Then came the rebuke/yell.
JUST LISTEN. That’s all you’re expected to do. Is it so hard to just love another human enough to listen to them.
We do share a common language: love- more specifically, Christ’s love. He loves her as much as He loves me. He loves me as much as he loves the elderly man who can’t feed himself.
He listens to and loves me.
The least I could do is be grateful and discipline myself to listen to Him.
I know it won’t happen over night or without effort on my part, but I will be trying a whole lot harder than I’ve been.
God offers His love freely, but He won’t force His love on me. I have to take the time to quiet my mind and my soul. To choose to receive and rest in His love.
He won’t love me more when I “do better.” He won’t love me less when I fail Him. I cannot work for His love. I can only choose to quiet the other noises in my head and heart, and receive it.
What better place to start than Costa Rica?
God bless you, and thank you for your support.
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January 18, 2016 8:44p.m.
Draw near to me, O God
that my soul may be filled;
my thirst quenched
Lift my spirit up
that I may see Your face;
let Your glory fill this place
Welcome my weary heart
into Your presence;
You are the Potter- I am the clay
Hold this heart
in Your hands;
Let my soul rest in You
You are the light of my soul;
the joy of my existence
I will praise You all the days of my life
For You alone are worthy
My hands open wide to You
Make something beautiful out of me
Wrap me in You wings
Shelter me from the evil one
Give me courage to stand
It’s only in my surrender to You
that I am free
Awaken my soul
to the beauty of Your love
Awaken my heart
to Your overflowing streams of mercy
Awaken my eyes
to the glory of Your power
Awaken my skin
to the sense of Your presence
Awaken my tongue
to the taste of Your forgiveness
Like a waterfall,
Your love washes over me
Your Spirit caresses my soul
You whisper Your love
and Your promises wash over me
in Your river of abundance
I am safe in Your ocean of love
Drown me in You
