I woke this morning as the power cut out at 4:00am. The sound of the fans died down into an eerie silence that foretold of the heat that would soon build up in our quarters. We are spoiled here though…I have been told that next month we will be in only tents with bucket showers. So for now, I am blessed to have any bit of cot, fan, or electricity.
I forced myself to stay in bed until about 6:15, when I gave up and headed out for some quiet time. As I left the room, I noticed a nagging in my mind. A pull towards a certain thought, I couldn’t escape. I sat to ponder it and found an ugly monster dwelling in my mind where that thought was. I recognized the thought as a lie of the enemy. The lie that kept repeating itself over and over again in my mind was, “God gives you the dregs. The left overs. You can give Him your life, but once He sorts out all the resources…you get what you get.”
It is ridiculous right! I know very well that God as our Father loves to give good gifts to His children! That the resources of heaven are not limited!
I pushed the thought away and went to work on laundry before breakfast. As I washed, I got thinking of all the times in the past that I did without. I got thinking of all the times this year where it may be the same. You see, we don’t know what ministry we will work with in MOH until the morning of. So what if I keep getting stuck doing the ones I am not good at? What if I just have to muddle through without complaint because that is the good Christian thing to do? What if I feel guilty because I am a pretty selfish missionary? Also, food. There are dregs there too right? How many days of Cereal and PB&J?
I wanted to scream! I know that these thoughts are awful! I keep fighting an internal battle. In a land of the harshest poverty, I have a selfish flesh that wants more and more from God. He gives me the Kingdom on earth and I call it the “Leftovers!” I felt ashamed.
I confided in others at breakfast. I felt like a horrible person for voicing that I went along with the thoughts of the enemy…but I needed to be open about my struggle. They prayed for me, and told me that the guilt I felt about it was yet another lie of the enemy.
I worked in the clinic after lunch sorting the drugs in the clinic’s dispensary (dropping almost every pill bottle, not figuring out labels, and feeling totally useless) and following lunch I was told that I was being switched over to another village ministry for the afternoon. We were going to a village by the ocean to invited children to the playground for fun and fellowship. Honestly, village ministry isn’t my strong suit. I would much rather paint or plant something. Handing out food…that’s a good one. But there is something difficult for me as far as trying to interact with the kids goes. Perhaps the language barrier, or perhaps I am just awkward. But, I kept my head up and we hit the dirt roads gathering the children.
I did a few awkward “hellos”, “how are yous”, “what’s your names?” in Creole, and even tried to play but I just struggled. (It doesn’t help that the kids keep asking for every possession I carry…even down to the hair ties.) Then comes the guilt of being a bad missionary.
Next thing I know, someone handed me their baby sister so that they could play on the marry-go-round. And I rocked this baby while humming every hymn in the book plus I made up. This precious angel fell asleep in my arms, thumb in her mouth. A squad mate that I sat with at breakfast came up to me and showed me a photo she took of the little girls’ sleeping face. And she said, “THIS is not a leftover from God.” I thanked her, hugged her, and turned to a wall to let the tears flow out as I kept my humming up for the little one. I wasn’t tearing up for sadness, but for pure release, and for pure joy. This girl is proof that God always has the best for us. We don’t see it all the time, but it’s there. And I am grateful beyond measure.
I spent the rest of the time at the village getting my hair played with/turned into a giant knot by a couple girls, and playing tickle tag with the boys. Then after dinner, God showed me another “not-leftover” moment in an amazing sunset.
What I have gotten from today is that, when Satan gives us lies…we need to not spend so much time fighting it in our heads. But instead stand on the word of God and force ourselves to see the truth in the world around us.
PS. To read about 3 Cords ministry see: http://carolinesadventuresinlife.blogspot.com/2014/09/3-cords.html
