People always want to make sure you are making the right decision. It’s because they love you and want you to be safe, happy, provided for, and comfortable. They think it’s a bit impulsive or radical to run off to “round the world missions” especially while having debt. There are people that I will never be able to convince that this is God’s will. And we will just have to agree to disagree.
But for those who think that God gives us callings, let me tell you a little about mine:
(It’s long…sorry)
Since I was little I always had a strong sense of justice and the desire to help others. I went to mission camps, did volunteer work, and liked to give when I could. I went on my first mission trip during my sophomore year of university. I believe I got hooked at that point. Traveling and helping others just made sense. When most people I worked with went on vacation, they would lay on a beach somewhere, but I liked to make my vacation a mission or at least a volunteer opportunity. I get quite bored laying on beaches.
During college a friend of mine was called to go on the World Race. I helped her with one of her fundraisers, and prayed for her a bit. I loved the idea of the World Race. I loved travel. I loved people. So I asked God, “Can I go on the World Race?” I heard back a distinct, “Not now” in my mind. I was elated! You see at that point in my life, I wasn’t very good at listening. For me, this was the first time I can remember actually KNOWING without doubt, that I heard God.
So the itch to travel the world for God slowly went away when I stopped thinking about it. (as with all “itches”, if you don’t scratch ’em, you forget about ’em) In hindsight, I am so glad that I waited to apply. I wanted it for the wrong reasons, and I was still a child in my faith.
BUT Korea changes things.
I taught abroad for one year in South Korea. I was faced with some VERY difficult things. At points I was so angry with God. And at points I was so honest and seeking. At the end of it all, I was strengthen, healed, and learned endurance in my relationship with God. How could I love an unconditional God so conditionally?
Ecclesiastes 7:14a
“When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other.”
I was set free from some lies about my identity. Hopefully I will get to share more about that later. And I grew so much.
Now back to that call…someone I knew in Korea was going to apply to the World Race. I thought, “Oh yeah! I remember that”. Then I returned to America and started teaching science at this outdoor education facility as part of a year long contract. At the end of the year, I started making plans for my future, applying to different things.
Then I found that two more friends were doing the World Race. One had already shipped out to Nicaragua at that point. And I became increasingly aware of this itch once again. My conversation with God went as follows, “No no no…I have a plan. I am applying to science-y things.” Silence. “I can’t do it, I am not a missionary.” Silence. “It so very expensive…” Silence. “What if I do it for the wrong reasons?” Silence. “What if people don’t support me?” Silence.
I was torn. I didn’t want to have a “WHY ME!?!?!” attitude. I didn’t want to just look at myself as inadequate and think that I could never do it. I knew all the Sunday School answers about this one. I knew that God calls and equips His people. But I just couldn’t get past the legitimacy of some of my questions. (That is how Satan does it, he hides the lies in seeds of truth.)
I decided to tentatively apply. Meanwhile seeking A LOT of Godly advice from peers and elders. And praying A LOT!!!! I even called past participants of this program. Meanwhile God began turning my heart towards it. It started becoming less about my head and more about my heart. I eventually interviewed and was accepted. I got to a point where I had to decide between Graduate School and the World Race.
I was confused. What to do? Grad School made sense. But something didn’t feel right. I called my mother and had her pray over me. This was AMAZING! I love to hear her words to God flow over me! At the end of the prayer I strongly felt God say two things.
- There is no such thing as a secular calling. God may call you to be a scientist…but that is sacred because it is His calling.
- There is no wrong answer to this.
I found I had been asking the wrong question. To me, it was always one or the other. Missions or Graduate school. Mom asked me how I felt. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and said, “I feel like I want Grad School. But I feel like I am doing the World Race.” I said it with such conviction that I surprised even myself. The words were truth.
“I feel like I want Grad School. But I feel like I am doing the World Race.”
Its good to want things. I haven’t been allowing myself to want, for fear that I would lose the things I want. But released it: I want Grad school. Yes, I am doing missions for now, but I will only have to defer my graduate school for a year. At the end of my mission, I will go to school.
When I told my mother this she said, “You know, I never felt peace about you doing the mission. I never felt peace about you going to Grad School either. But, now that you say you will do both, I feel complete peace.”
At that moment my tears stopped. Peace came over me. We both contagiously giggled. We discovered His call for me.
