I have no words for Thailand.
I have been trying to think of the best words to describe my time in Thailand, but every time I come up with nothing. Thailand was not what expected, yet it was everything I dreamed of. I felt a little bit of everything there, and yet I felt nothing at all. It was a month of contradictory feelings; loving Thailand one day and hating it the next.
At times, I would crave pad thai; the thought of it now makes me want to vomit.
I loved being on an all girls team, but there were days I longed for my former team as the majority of them sat across from me during team time and feedback. I was excited to go out for bar ministry, and yet I was afraid all at the same time. The bar girls were all smiles and laughs, and yet their eyes gave away to the total unhappiness and despair they felt every night. The older men seemed satisfied with there lives, but they were searching for unconditional love in all the wrong places. The other young tourists were excited to go out and party in what seemed to be innocent fun, yet they had no idea what their dollars were actually paying for. Bangla Road was full of hope during the day, but at night hopelessness hung in the air flooding every bar. It was hard to see woman selling themselves for a dollar, and yet it was easy to look past their occupation and actually become their friend!
I swam in crystal clear waters, tanned on sandy white beaches, and rode some super cute elephants. I had probably the best time in Thailand, and yet I had never felt so distant from the Lord. I couldn’t see the good the things that he was doing in me and through me. I couldn’t understand the lessons he was trying to teach me.
God wasn’t there. I couldn’t find him, I couldn’t see him, I couldn’t hear him. It felt like he was just hanging back in Central America, leaving me to fend for myself in Asia. I was angry and didn’t even try spending time with him. He was gone, and so was I.
Now I that I am in a new country, I have time to reflect back on Thailand. I realized how much I loved it. I see now how the Lord was faithful throughout my time there. He was there at every bar. He was there in the midst of all the brokenness I saw. He was there with every man looking for love. He was there with every woman trying to make a dollar. He was there even when I didn’t think he was.
God keeps showing me his faithfulness throughout this race. I know He will never leave me, nor forsake. He will always be faithful to me until the very end.
Leaving Thailand, I decided I never wanted to go back. Now that I am gone, I can’t wait to step foot in Thailand once more.
