I’m standing in a nice place of muddy messiness and it’s about time I get real with you about it. See, the time has inevitably come and the choice must be made. Here I am, over halfway through this world race experience and at the point where that lovely rubber meets the road. You might think it impossible, or you might be surprised it didn’t happen earlier, but the wonderful honeymoon phase is over. Things are hard right now. Relationships can be challenging. And that place of brokenness has arrived. As I write this, I hurt. This…hurts.
As I sit in this place of brokenness and hurt before my Father’s feet, all that is left is a choice. Will I walk through this pain? Will I press into these relationship? Will I choose to live here in this place?
We all have that choice to make. And there’s only two options. Either we will allow our circumstance and situation at the moment to become the death of us. Killing our life and freedom that was so deeply paid for us. Or we will choose to walk in the path of the One who laid it all down out of love and die to ourselves, that we might live in the redemption of life.
This whole place of brokenness hurts. A lot of last month was the Lord revealing to me the things that have been buried deep under for so long. There’s pride. And fear. And insecurity. The deeper I went, the more surfaced. Lies I was believing about my Father. False realities that I have so comfortably lived in for too long. Chains that I have held onto even though the shackles have broken off my wrists. At times it felt way too much to carry. All the realizations of lies and issues were overwhelming. I felt stuck in that muddy place where things are messy. In fact, I still feel myself there. Resolving some of these things isn’t simple or easy. It isn’t even clear how I go about some of this stuff.
And yet…
I’m loving this messiness. As much as it hurts right now and as confusing as some things seem, I don’t think I’d want to be anywhere else. More of His glory and person is arising within and around me. The holy One who sits on the throne of grace and receives all glory is standing in the mud, getting dirty with me. And telling me I’ve got to choose. Will I die to myself, my needs, my rights? Or will I be killed? My honest answer is that I have no choice. I can say one thing for sure: I didn’t give up a year of my life to come out the same on the other side. The only reason I came on this race apart from Him was to evolve into that fierce, passionate, confident child of the Living God who has chosen to die to herself that she is fully alive in Him.
And so as I enter my final month here in Africa, I’m choosing to embrace this pain that I find myself in, praying that out of such a place will come not only a deeper passion, but also a nice limp. Because as I’m learning, you can’t trust a person who doesn’t have a limp from life’s obstacles. Often times you have to hurt to learn and grow and change and become. Ultimately you have to choose to die…knowing that in exchange you receive the fullness of the kingdom come, of freedom, joy, life, power, and dominion, dwelling within you.
