Hi everyone! I apologize for neglecting my blog for such a long time but it has taken me forever to come up with something to write about. Basically, I have been pushing it off and making excuses for myself because I felt like I had nothing important to get out or say. I felt like everything I wrote on here had to be well thought out and organized. So I am forewarning you that this blog post might be disorganized and chaotic, but it is going to be full of truth and authenticity as well.
As I have been struggling to come up with a topic for the next post, it hit me that that's exactly what I should write about: struggles. Originally I thought that every single blog I posted should be full of uplifting and encouraging stories, as this is a very public site where anyone can see what I write. I should try and portray myself as a completely well put together woman with not much sin or things going wrong in my life. But can I just be real with you all? This has been one of the hardest months of my life. I was accepted to go on the World Race about one month ago and I have had so many struggles mentally and spiritually since. I can say that I know this is still part of God's plan, but, boy, is the enemy trying to gain some ground here. I feel like this huge step in my life is making me a target zone for Satan to try and break me down and make something beautiful turn ugly.
It has been overwhelming both financially and mentally to try and prepare for this journey ahead. I had my first breakdown at work a few weeks ago and realize that it was so many thoughts and things piled up inside me that it just poured out like water breaking free from a crack in the dam. I have found myself literally down on my knees praying to The Lord to help release me from these worries, fears, and strongholds in my life. I've prayed for peace and to lift up my finances to God because the money I own is not really mine to begin with.
I feel like I'm at a standstill with support raising because I get scared thinking about trying to organize extravagant events and silent auctions for this trip. I have been trying to buy all of the gear and equipment on my own and see my bank account and savings slowly dwindling. To add to this, I am going on a medical mission trip to Haiti in 6 days and have had to buy many medications and miscellaneous items to bring with. I have had a few distractions at work as well and realize they are just that, DISTRACTIONS. The enemy is one slick fella and tries to target my weaknesses and lead me astray from the path that God wants for me. For example, even though the The Lord may put a person in my life for a good and pure reason, the enemy has successfully turned it into a stronghold where my thoughts are held captive to daydreaming or thinking of possible "what ifs." More on this one later.
One Faithful Father
This being said, one can easily see that this month has been a little hectic (to put it modestly). If you've made it this far then I am happy to share with you the BEAUTY in what God has done and is currently doing with all of this. I didn't just share all of this with you to feel embarrassed about my life or make your head spin, but I want you to see that I am human and very prone to the enemy's attacks. Although it isn't exactly easy to share with random strangers what is going on in my life and what I struggle with, I am laying down my pride to show you that The Lord is stronger than all of this, still loves me regardless of my sins, and He is an overcomer! I know that I am a daughter of the King and can just rest in that alone. It makes my heart sing to understand and believe that truth and for a moment, all of my worries and fears fade away. It's a start and I am excited to share with you what Abba has been revealing to me throughout this storm.
- Rest. Through this month of breakdowns, many tears, and worries financially, God has spoken to me through my prayers and continually tells me to rest. He keeps telling me He has this, and that I do not need to stress over my bank account or things I am buying for others because it is all to benefit his Kingdom. I would not say He has fully stripped me of my selfishness because that is going to take some real work, but He has revealed to me the center of these worries: fear and selfishness. I realize that I, like many others, find comfort and security in money and having some saved away for unexpected things or "emergencies" gives me some superficial peace. But you know what? It's all a huge lie and I know that my security comes from Christ and NOT what I do or do not have in savings. I sit here and fret over spending $400 on medications for Haiti because it is taking from ME, but do not fully comprehend the joy and help it will bring the Haitian men, women, and children who have nothing. I worry about not having money after I come back from the World Race because I am spending it on gear & equipment and do not fully understand that this is needed in order for me to share the Gospel and reach out to those who have not even heard the name Jesus. All of these things are of my flesh and it is easier to worry and try and be in control of my finances but what good does that bring? As Luke says, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (Luke 12:25). My point in all of this is we have to choose the harder route (which will in turn give us peace of mind, body, and soul) to lift up our worries, whatever they may be, and follow God's command to rest.
- Legalism. It is so fitting that this topic is next because I have gotten a HUGE wakeup call in regards to this one. As mentioned earlier, I have felt bad for my selfish ways and find myself feeling guilty or mad when I sin or fall into a temptation that I struggled with in the past (and still struggle with at times). I feel like I have to be "perfect" in a sense – always patient, kind, and non-judgmental. When I stray from these things, or find myself getting annoyed at work about a certain situation, I get upset and feel as though I am not being a Godly woman or doing my part in walking with Jesus. I have been so hard on myself and have strived to be this person who follows rigid rules to please God without remembering of His grace. I've come to accept that I will always sin and although The Lord can help me be an overcomer and grow in many ways, I need to let God's grace wash over me. Legalism and perfectionism are traps for the mind and can twist how we love on others and ourselves. We are NOT perfect people and God doesn't expect us to be. What He does expect from us is persistence in our walks and a faithful, loving heart.
- Enemy's Attacks. Did I mention that the enemy loves to attack? I'm not sure if I did before, so I'll say it again: HE DOES. The good news is God is well aware of this and He is VICTOR! He clearly tells us to wake up and put on the Full Armor of God.. "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes with the gospel of peace. In addition to all of this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God." (Ephesians 6:10-17). Can I get an Amen? I have prayed this prayer numerous times when I felt spiritual warfare around me and it has done Godly wonders.
- Distractions. So I am not going to go into too much detail here, but I wanted to bring it to your attention that I have had some serious distractions in the past few weeks. The funny thing is, I know that it's God's doing for placing this particular person in my life, but the enemy has twisted it into something that is not of God. The cool thing in all of this, is that The Lord is showing me that I am really not in control. Again, after knowing what my tentative future holds, I've tried to take the reigns, weed out what I don't have time for (dating, relationships, etc), and focus on what I think God wants me to focus on. He has showed me that He can throw in some curve balls and that I need to give the reigns back to Him. It's wonderful to remember that God has our best interest in mind and like the loving Father He is, will make beauty out of every situation and circumstance.
- Love & Peace. Through all of this, the one thing we have to remember is to love and let ourselves be loved. As Jesus put it, "I have told you these things so that in me you have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33. Life is not always easy. There is loss of loved ones, layoffs from work, financial difficulties, adultery, broken hearts, and slavery. But amidst the darkness that may be lurking around, there is LIGHT that overcomes darkness. You cannot hide the light that shines through the dark – and it will always shine through; you can count on that.
So thanks for reading this somewhat disorganized mess-of-a-blog-post. I just wanted to take the time to share the struggles that have been thrown my way and what I continue to struggle with during this time and season of my life. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone and that Jesus is holding your hand through it all. We just need to let go of our legalistic, selfish, and destructive ways and run to our Father who holds peace, truth, and life. It is ours for the taking! Are you willing to turn away from the distractions and strongholds to get it? Ready, set, go.
