If you asked the girl standing in the doorway of this bar,
she’d tell you she was nineteen, but I don’t believe it for a second. Her body, very much on display for any
interested customer, does not yet have that settled look of a woman’s
body. Everything about her is young,
still growing, still forming an identity.
A full face of makeup, a tight blue dress that barely covers what it
needs to, black lace panels that run down the bodice, and a hot pink bra
showing through can’t change that… I can clearly see the younger girl buried
inside. She paces in the entry, smiling
flirtatiously and calling out to every passerby — “Hello!â€� she says. “You are welcome!â€� Even as she does this, though, there is a
timidity in her eyes that speaks louder than her voice. She works every inch of the dress she’s
wearing and seems intensely aware of her own body as she does.
she’d tell you she was nineteen, but I don’t believe it for a second. Her body, very much on display for any
interested customer, does not yet have that settled look of a woman’s
body. Everything about her is young,
still growing, still forming an identity.
A full face of makeup, a tight blue dress that barely covers what it
needs to, black lace panels that run down the bodice, and a hot pink bra
showing through can’t change that… I can clearly see the younger girl buried
inside. She paces in the entry, smiling
flirtatiously and calling out to every passerby — “Hello!â€� she says. “You are welcome!â€� Even as she does this, though, there is a
timidity in her eyes that speaks louder than her voice. She works every inch of the dress she’s
wearing and seems intensely aware of her own body as she does.
But on her feet?
While the other women totter around in thin high heels, this girl is
wearing flat, black Converse. Tennis
shoes with that dress? You’re not
nineteen, baby girl. You just can’t be.
While the other women totter around in thin high heels, this girl is
wearing flat, black Converse. Tennis
shoes with that dress? You’re not
nineteen, baby girl. You just can’t be.
This particular bar tries to appeal to a more laid-back
crowd, despite the showy girls. Adele
and Oasis and Mumford & Sons blast through the stereo and as I watch this
girl, “Little Lion Man� comes on.
crowd, despite the showy girls. Adele
and Oasis and Mumford & Sons blast through the stereo and as I watch this
girl, “Little Lion Man� comes on.
“And it was not your fault, but mine.
And it was your heart on the line.
I really [screwed] it up this time, didn’t I, my dear? Didn’t I, my dear?�
And it was your heart on the line.
I really [screwed] it up this time, didn’t I, my dear? Didn’t I, my dear?�
There is a man somewhere out there who needs to say that to
this girl. Somewhere, there is a man who
needs to say exactly that to pretty much every girl on these streets. Who is he?
Where is he now? Will she ever
forget him? Will she ever grow past
whatever he did to her?
this girl. Somewhere, there is a man who
needs to say exactly that to pretty much every girl on these streets. Who is he?
Where is he now? Will she ever
forget him? Will she ever grow past
whatever he did to her?
Somewhere out there is a man who should have said that to me.
I would never presume to know exactly what these girls experience,
but I have tasted enough of it to know just how bitter it is. I know what it is to have my youth used
against me. I know what it is to be
taken advantage of by someone who I thought I could trust. When I was eighteen-years-old, a man who I
loved and respected led me into the most compromising, painful situation I have
ever had to experience.
but I have tasted enough of it to know just how bitter it is. I know what it is to have my youth used
against me. I know what it is to be
taken advantage of by someone who I thought I could trust. When I was eighteen-years-old, a man who I
loved and respected led me into the most compromising, painful situation I have
ever had to experience.
I’m in love with you, he said.
But you’re married, I said. But
I’m not in love with her, he insisted.
I’m in love with you.
But you’re married, I said. But
I’m not in love with her, he insisted.
I’m in love with you.
Disregarding everything — the twelve-year age difference
between us, his role as a self-proclaimed big brother figure in my life, our
shared church community — he put his marriage in my lap and effectively said,
“I don’t know… you choose. Then you deal with the heartbreak, the
confusion, and all of the consequences, because I love you, Carly.�
between us, his role as a self-proclaimed big brother figure in my life, our
shared church community — he put his marriage in my lap and effectively said,
“I don’t know… you choose. Then you deal with the heartbreak, the
confusion, and all of the consequences, because I love you, Carly.�
I knew that this man needed love and respect and encouragement and I
thought I could help…but I failed to see how I was the wrong woman to be doing that
loving and respecting and encouraging.
thought I could help…but I failed to see how I was the wrong woman to be doing that
loving and respecting and encouraging.
Misguided by emotion and a deep desire to help, I walked
straight into the lies. At first it
seemed okay — I resisted his immediate advances and sent him home; however, I
still talked to him. I still let him call
me and see me occasionally and I flexed all of my baby woman muscles to respect
and support him, the way that I believe women are designed to do for men. I tried to point him to truth, but our
“friendship� was already twisted beyond anything resembling appropriate or
healthy.
straight into the lies. At first it
seemed okay — I resisted his immediate advances and sent him home; however, I
still talked to him. I still let him call
me and see me occasionally and I flexed all of my baby woman muscles to respect
and support him, the way that I believe women are designed to do for men. I tried to point him to truth, but our
“friendship� was already twisted beyond anything resembling appropriate or
healthy.
I just wish I could do something to encourage you like you’ve
encouraged me, he said. Then wear your
wedding ring, I said.
encouraged me, he said. Then wear your
wedding ring, I said.
Obviously, this approach wasn’t working. I tried to put some distance between us, but
his hold on my heart was already too firm.
When we talked, I was simultaneously thrilled and horrified. When we didn’t talk, I was resolute in my
decision to avoid him, but heart-broken. I tried to stay away from him for
months, but he texted me one night and it was as if no time had passed — I was
already his.
his hold on my heart was already too firm.
When we talked, I was simultaneously thrilled and horrified. When we didn’t talk, I was resolute in my
decision to avoid him, but heart-broken. I tried to stay away from him for
months, but he texted me one night and it was as if no time had passed — I was
already his.
Then one night he said it: I’m getting a divorce. And I want to be with you.
After a few incredibly confusing months of alternately
resisting and then craving a relationship with this man, I finally gave
in. We started daydreaming and planning
a future together while we devised a plan on how to go about it. His divorce should come first… then we could
go public.
resisting and then craving a relationship with this man, I finally gave
in. We started daydreaming and planning
a future together while we devised a plan on how to go about it. His divorce should come first… then we could
go public.
We were going to have three dogs, two big and one tiny. He wanted to take me to Switzerland and Fiji. I would write books and he would work and
bring me home flowers. He called me
Sunshine.
bring me home flowers. He called me
Sunshine.
And then the inevitable happened. Just as abruptly as he told me that he loved
me, we were suddenly found out. The
truth came to light and let me tell you — it was a painfully, shockingly,
blindingly bright light.
me, we were suddenly found out. The
truth came to light and let me tell you — it was a painfully, shockingly,
blindingly bright light.
Try explaining to your mother that you’re in love with a 30-year-old
man and that he’s divorcing his wife and that you’re going to be together. Imagine how well that conversation would
go.
man and that he’s divorcing his wife and that you’re going to be together. Imagine how well that conversation would
go.
While I will always thank God for forcibly getting me out of
that situation when I was too foolish to move of my own accord, the following
months were the absolute worst of my life.
that situation when I was too foolish to move of my own accord, the following
months were the absolute worst of my life.
I played the part of the fool and worse — I had dragged other people down
with me.
with me.
Needless to say, I dealt with enormous amounts of guilt and
shame, a massive lack of grace towards myself and the misguided man and an
inherent belief that I was suddenly spoiled.
The relationship thankfully stopped short of sex, but still… nice
Christian girls don’t date married men and break up those vows… what kind of
guy could I possible deserve now?
shame, a massive lack of grace towards myself and the misguided man and an
inherent belief that I was suddenly spoiled.
The relationship thankfully stopped short of sex, but still… nice
Christian girls don’t date married men and break up those vows… what kind of
guy could I possible deserve now?
Who was I possibly worthy of after such a taboo and embarrassing
blunder? Who could I actually trust with
that piece of my story?
blunder? Who could I actually trust with
that piece of my story?
And forget about men — what could I possibly deserve of
God? I couldn’t think of much, except
for punishment. Certainly not His time,
let alone His grace, forgiveness, or love…
God? I couldn’t think of much, except
for punishment. Certainly not His time,
let alone His grace, forgiveness, or love…
I had been used, but I carried the brunt of the responsibility around
in my heart like a dead carcass around my neck or the scarlet “A� tattooed on
my chest.
in my heart like a dead carcass around my neck or the scarlet “A� tattooed on
my chest.
Repentance was easy enough, but finding grace proved much
more difficult.
more difficult.
“Your grace is wasted in your face, your boldness stands alone among
the wreck.�
— from “Little Lion Man,â€� by Mumford & Sons
the wreck.�
— from “Little Lion Man,â€� by Mumford & Sons
*****
As I write this, I’m struck by the differences between my
road to redemption versus these girls.
Even with Godly parents more committed to my recovery than I was, a
Christian counselor, patient and loving friends who never condemned me, and
engrained Biblical knowledge about God’s nature, I still fought an uphill
battle to reclaim my identity in Christ.
So what about these girls? From
all practical and logistical standpoints, they’re stuck. They support families with the money they
make, so their parents certainly aren’t protecting them. They’re integrated into a culture that sees
nothing wrong with what they’re doing and most of the women around them are
also stuck in the bars. Add to this the
fact that less than 2% of the Thai people are Christian, so the notion of a
righteous, loving, merciful God is lost in the Buddhist chanting. What are you left with? How do these women — so many of them
teenagers — get out?
road to redemption versus these girls.
Even with Godly parents more committed to my recovery than I was, a
Christian counselor, patient and loving friends who never condemned me, and
engrained Biblical knowledge about God’s nature, I still fought an uphill
battle to reclaim my identity in Christ.
So what about these girls? From
all practical and logistical standpoints, they’re stuck. They support families with the money they
make, so their parents certainly aren’t protecting them. They’re integrated into a culture that sees
nothing wrong with what they’re doing and most of the women around them are
also stuck in the bars. Add to this the
fact that less than 2% of the Thai people are Christian, so the notion of a
righteous, loving, merciful God is lost in the Buddhist chanting. What are you left with? How do these women — so many of them
teenagers — get out?
The definition of trafficking that I’m coming to understand
is the “exploitation of vulnerability.�
And while these girls — and me — have certainly played a role in their
situation, is it their fault that they are here? Do they want
to be doing this? I haven’t met a single
woman who does. But who is there to say,
“I’m sorry?� Who is there to say, “It’s
not your fault… it’s your heart that is being trampled every night and I’m sorry�?
is the “exploitation of vulnerability.�
And while these girls — and me — have certainly played a role in their
situation, is it their fault that they are here? Do they want
to be doing this? I haven’t met a single
woman who does. But who is there to say,
“I’m sorry?� Who is there to say, “It’s
not your fault… it’s your heart that is being trampled every night and I’m sorry�?
I know firsthand the redemptive powers of Jesus. I know firsthand how He seeks you when you’re
the most broken, the most ashamed, the most looked over. And as I walk through the bar district, I’m
overcome by how badly He wants these girls to see themselves as He sees them —
Beloved. Redeemed. Beautiful.
A bride. Worthy of love and
respect.
the most broken, the most ashamed, the most looked over. And as I walk through the bar district, I’m
overcome by how badly He wants these girls to see themselves as He sees them —
Beloved. Redeemed. Beautiful.
A bride. Worthy of love and
respect.
And then I can hear Jesus’ voice saying to each and every
one of them, “Come now, little girl, let us reason together. Let’s get you out of here. Let’s rebuild you and make you whole and set
your feet on my Solid Rock. Come with
me. Let’s get out of here.�
one of them, “Come now, little girl, let us reason together. Let’s get you out of here. Let’s rebuild you and make you whole and set
your feet on my Solid Rock. Come with
me. Let’s get out of here.�
But can they hear that?
In the midst of their sin and depression and pain and determination to
deal with it all and overcome, can they hear that small, still voice?
In the midst of their sin and depression and pain and determination to
deal with it all and overcome, can they hear that small, still voice?
So to the baby girl in the blue dress — I know. I know it hurts. But there is so, so much for you in the
loving arms of Jesus. It’s not your
fault. It was your heart on the line and
you’ve been used and abused, but it’s not your fault. Let’s get out of here.
loving arms of Jesus. It’s not your
fault. It was your heart on the line and
you’ve been used and abused, but it’s not your fault. Let’s get out of here.
I have known that I
would need to write about this particular part of my story for over four years,
but I’m still hesitant. However after my experiences this month, it is time to
put my piece of this narrative out there.
My heart is not to incriminate or shock anybody and certainly not to
romanticize or glamorize the situation; rather, this is a story of the redemption
and grace that God offers His sons and daughters. I’ve been able to share this testimony with
numerous girls this month and it’s incredible to see how our Abba really does
bring beauty from the ashes.
would need to write about this particular part of my story for over four years,
but I’m still hesitant. However after my experiences this month, it is time to
put my piece of this narrative out there.
My heart is not to incriminate or shock anybody and certainly not to
romanticize or glamorize the situation; rather, this is a story of the redemption
and grace that God offers His sons and daughters. I’ve been able to share this testimony with
numerous girls this month and it’s incredible to see how our Abba really does
bring beauty from the ashes.
