When I got home from training camp a week and a half ago, I felt energized. I was excited, enthusiastic, ready to face the next seven-ish weeks head on. I had big plans for myself — I was going to leave on the Race as the very best version of Carly that the world has ever seen. I was going to read four books to prepare my heart, have lunch with a dozen or so ladies to form a prayer team before I left, send out 150 update letters to everyone on my support list and fill my support account, pursue the women on my team so that they felt loved and known, blog three times a week, work as many hours as possible to make some money, buy the rest of the gear and equipment that I realized I needed, relish my time with family and friends, and spend at least an hour of quality time with Jesus every day.
Ten days later — I’m exhausted and pretty much 100% unsuccessful.
I’ve learned that I have this really bad habit of trying to impress Jesus with my to-do lists. My prayers are something along the lines of, “Jesus, I have a lot to get done today for us — please give me the strength and grace and discipline to finish it.” Those aren’t bad things to ask for, but it is kind of missing the point. Jesus doesn’t want me to wheeze over the finish line of my day, battered and bruised and begging for rest. He doesn’t need me to do a thousand things in order to believe that I really do love Him. The equation is NEVER God + Carly’s hard work = the key to success, because He doesn’t need me in order to do anything…but He wants me, and that is a massively important distinction. Jesus wants me. He wants me to spend time with Him, so that I can better understand who I am in Him. Jesus wants me to rest in Him and be made whole, not spend my days trying to show Him how strong and organized I am (or am not, as the case may be).
Following God’s will for your life is not easy. It’s not supposed to be easy. But it’s not supposed to feel like you’re beating your head against a brick wall, either. Being who God created you to be is one of the hardest, most honest and terrifying choices that a person can make — but it is a sweet, sweet, love-drenched thing when you actually let God tell you who you are.
My to-do list can be drastically shortened to this: Be still. Know Who Is God. Let Him speak Truth. Rest in that Truth. All of those other things? The books and the lunch dates and the blogs and the support account? They’re important, but not as important as understanding myself the same way that God does. Those other things will fall into place eventually.
Lately, I have been falling asleep to this song. Listen to it. Close your eyes for three minutes and thirty-three seconds and listen to it. I lay in bed at night and breathe deeply and in that moment, I can almost hear God saying, “Carly, all of this busy-ness for what? Here’s the point — rest in this point. It’s kind of important. I’ll take care of the details…just inhale this Truth.” It’s an ooey-gooey love song (and this video is pretty atrociously ooey-gooey), but it’s the current lullaby of my heart. And it’s the perfect end to any day.
