Here on the race, our buzz word for this concept is abandonment. However, I’ve been reading Veronica Roth’s book series, Divergent, a soon-to-be Lionsgate movie, and came across a group of characters called Abnegation. They belonged to this group because each of them chose a life of selflessness. Their buildings and homes are simple gray stone squares, their insides hardly decorated. Their clothing, a basic gray color, consisting of simple dresses, slacks and button downs. The girls wore their hair pulled back in ponytails and the men kept theirs buzzed. They were a quiet group and overwhelmingly polite. This is also the only group in this small society who gave food, clothing and medical aide to the poor. Immediately I connected them to living life as a missionary; or at least how most would perceive life to be as a missionary. Of course we live simply, but not in our clothing choices, and we tend to be a pretty rowdy bunch with our worship singing. But the part about denying yourself and relinquishing, well that is an expectation.
Coming here I chose to sell nearly everything I own so I could help fund as much of this trip on my own as I could manage. I didn’t like the idea of asking people for money. My closet has been a 45 liter backpack and my mattress is usually a 2 inch blow up sleep pad. We’ve slept with rats, mice, cockroaches, mosquitos, huge spiders, bats and things I’m sure and happy I’ve not noticed. Food is a whole other type of abandonment. In Roatan we only had the option of expired food, beans and rice for lunch EVERYDAY! When I signed up for this I knew it was going to be hard and these kinds of comforts I would have no choice, but to give them up.
Of course now that it’s month 7 these kinds of things are expected. So when we have an amazing cook like Maricel it’s such an amazing treat. It also makes me recognize just how selfish of a life I had been living. As a daughter, I wanted fair treatment from my parents. I wanted them to sometimes do more for me than they did for my brothers. When staying at their house I acted as if I was a small child again, not bothering to clean up dishes or do my own laundry or cook a meal for them. As a sister I expected my brothers to contact me. Why did I always have to be the one to call them? As a friend I wanted people to listen to me, talk about and help me work through my problems; but then I wasn’t always good at returning that favor. In fact I see now how it ended a few of my friendships.
FORGIVE ME.
To anyone who has experienced my selfish behavior, please forgive me. Mom, Dad, Kelly, Ara, Sean especially. Forgive me for not being a more selfless daughter and sister. To my friends, some of whom I still talk with, but so many more whom I don’t, please forgive me for wanting more out of the relationship than giving more to it.
My prayer is that I will not return home the same woman that left. Now that God has revealed these shortcomings in my life, I pray that I will not slip back into them once I return to all the comforts an American life brings. I pray that I no longer see a situation as what can I get out of this, but what can I bring to this?
