“How do you feel?”
A question I probably get asked the most after talking to someone about The World Race, well that and when are you leaving?
But “How Do You Feel?” is probably one of the most vague and ambiguous questions to ask me. It’s basically another surface level question like after a conversation happen’s like this:
“Hey”
“Hello”
“How are you?”
“Good, thanks.”
“And how are you?”
“I’m doing well too. Thank you.”
“Okay nice seeing you, bye.”
“Nice seeing you too, bye.”
I could really tell you how I feel the next time you ask me this but let’s be honest you didn’t really want to know how I feel or you were expecting some short and simple like “Crazy!” or something like that because I’m leaving for 11 months. If you want to know how I feel you better have time to sit for coffee or go out to lunch.
There are so many ways I feel.
At times I feel like there is so much to do and worry about, Like what’s my next fundraiser going to be? What exact items am I going to need for 11 months? Do I get these things now or later? How much does immunizations cost? When do I tell my job about the race? Did I send out enough letters? Am I going to be able to do this one thing before I leave? How much am I going to miss every thing? How am I ever going to say goodbye to my niece and nephew?
Then there’s the anxious part of me that can’t wait to meet all these amazing people and travel around the world. Go to places I’ve always dreamed of and share the love story of my Jesus. See all these different cultures and customs. Experience everything for the first time because it’s in a new country. Communicate with people on a new wave length. Be a part of ministry that I’ve never taken a part of before. Try new foods, learn new dances, wear different clothes, hear life changing stories, and meet unforgettable people.
A part also reminds me to present. I still have much I’m a part of now that God still is using me for until I leave. I have to cherish everything I have now that I can’t take with me on the race. I want to leave my mark and return to it. It’s just hard to leave knowing everything will change and move on without you because that’s just how life goes. It carries on. My friends will make new friends. And the group I leave behind might not be a group anymore. There will be new inside jokes I will not be a part of. New slang and lingo I won’t understand. It’s like I’m going to be the new guy all over again.
All of this out of my control and that’s what eats me up inside. When I leave am I going to be brave enough to come back? I remember going to Cuba and coming back feeling completely different from everyone. Our missionary guide did warn us that we had just lived in the mountain tops for a week while everyone was still living in a valley so yeah, things would be different. But I’m going to live in the mountain tops for 11 months while everyone else continues to live in the valley. Everyone is already telling me how different I’ll be when I come back. How different am I going to be from who I am now? It just gets me wondering about the things about myself that’ll start changing. Should I start changing those things now?
I guess it’s always important to read the fine print before making a final decision about things. I did and didn’t know what I was signing up for. And that’s how most things are. There’s a beauty and ugly side to everything. I hope you’re not getting the wrong idea about me because I don’t regret for a second about deciding to do this race now. I am more than capable and equipped for such a time as this. Even though I have all these underlying thought on my mind about the world race I speak life into my situation. I remind myself that the call is irrevocable and that God is in control. That people are praying for me even when I can’t pray for myself. That I will not be alone out there. God is with me and he’s blessed me to be a part of a squad filled with the most encouraging and uplifting people from all over the nation and Canada. This verse tends to help me when I start to over think about the race.
Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands.
–Isaiah 43:19 (MSG)
A new thing. God wants to challenge me and test me more than he ever has before I leave. He’s stretching me far beyond my own expectations of how far I thought I could ever be stretched. I’m just experiencing the growing pains from it all. I feel sore and achy but the new things I can accomplish and face because of the growth will have all been worth it. A growth that will make me the missionary He’s called me to be. A growth that for most people I can’t expect them to understand or even begin to comprehend. It’s an in inexplicable intimacy with my God that I get to have through my personal prayer times. Prayer times that are the catalyst for an 11 month journey to a new life with my Jesus.
This is the year I leave.
I leave the USA.
I leave comfort behind.
I leave my mark.
I leave a legacy.
I leave to find more.
I leave to truly live.
