Well, I never thought I would be saying this. The one place that has held a sense of comfort for me, has been the hardest. I know it’s only month two. In fact, if there was one country on my route that could make me feel at home, it would be here in Guatemala. It’s my fourth time in this country. But I’ve never felt so uncomfortable and vulnerable in my life.
So just to give you a little bit of a back story…
For the past three years I’ve been living with my parents. Haven’t had roommates in quite some time. I have done life very much alone. Dinner alone. Working out alone. Church alone. A lot of alone time. I knew the race meant living in community. But I didn’t actually know what it meant until I got here.
…And here we are month two of the race and it’s all squad month.
Which means all 30 of us are living together. There really isn’t ever a moment alone. We have one bathroom and one shower. We have also had moments where we sat in front of the group and shared deep places in our hearts. I shared things I had never shared with a group before and I was terrified to do it. I hiked up to a volcano that ended up being a much longer hike than expected and ALMOST took the taxi. The taxi being the horse and guide trailing behind us. But I didn’t. I kept pressing on even though I thought my lungs were going to cave in.
I’ve ugly-girl cried multiple times and longed to be home. I’ve probably cried more this month than I have in the past 3 years.
In these moments, its hard.
But God has a way of putting life in perspective. He has for me this month. He has subtle ways of showing you that there is a greater need and a bigger picture then what you can see or feel in the moment.
I’ve looked in the faces of five children who are at their own mothers funeral. Their father passed years ago and their mother died that morning. Hundreds of people are gathered to mourn the loss of this beloved woman. All you can hear are voices being lifted to the heavens. Weeping voices. Prayerful voices. Singing voices. We wept and sang with them. Prayed over those five children who will be looking to someone else to be their caretaker.
We have been spending a lot of time with widows this month. Some of these women have the most contagious joy. They want to sing for you and tell you about their life. They still find joy at the age of 92, because every day they find their joy in the Lord.
However, some visits aren’t as joyful. Some don’t want you to pray over them( which we still do, we just do it when we leave their home). Some are so sick and discouraged they can hardly find happiness. One widow could barely move from her sick bed. We talked with her son. He has brothers and sisters who are married and better off financially, but yet he is the only one caring for his mother. His life revolves around her needs.
These are just little snippets from this month. Little moments where God has been showing me that even though I’ve been sad and homesick this month, He has me right where He wants me. Not only that, but there is something greater stirring. A bigger, more beautiful picture than what I can see right now.
Something I’ve discovered while here in Guatemala, is my love for photography. Each time I visit a widow, I ask permission to take their picture. My favorite part is showing them. Even to the ones who are sick, when I show them their picture, their face lights up. They smile and laugh. Perhaps they just needed a different perspective.
Maybe after all of this I will come home and take photography classes. Who knows. The possibilities are endless.
