Wow have these past weeks have been crazy. I haven’t had wifi in awhile and therefore haven’t been able to post a blog. Also, we got back from a spontaneous trip to Thailand at like 3am last night. There’s a million and one things I want to write about, but there’s something the Lord has been teaching me this past week that I think is the most important lesson he’ll teach me for the next couple years.
We had debrief in Penang last week and I went into the week feeling a little downtrodden. I love love love my family here, but Malaysia absolutely feels like home to me. Although that’s a wonderful thing, “home” means comfort, and comfort comes with a lot of distraction.
As I was sitting in PenHOP (Like IHOP, but in Penang)(not pancakes) the first night of debrief I found myself apologizing to the Lord. I knew that I had put our relationship on the back burner. I knew that I had been more excited lately for my friends to come visit than to spend time in the word getting to know Him. I knew that I had stopped pursuing our relationship. I also knew that the results of this weren’t great. I was making messes for myself in SP that were distracting me from ministry.
After writing out an entire prayer apology to God, he said this:
Carissa, I’m the only solid thing you can trust. Don’t follow anything but my voice. I long for you to be near me again. Come back. Come take your place back at the center of my heart and let me be at the center of yours.
I stared at the words I had just written on the page. I matched it with verses automatically in my head such as in 1 John, “For God is greater than our hearts and he knows everything,” and in Proverbs, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” I then heard the Lord pretty clearly say the word faithfulness.
I started by going to the back of my bible and writing down the definition.
Faithfulness – trustworthy; loyal
Oh dang. That hit me harder than I thought it would. I know God asks me to do things sometimes and I don’t do them. I know I promise the Lord I’ll do things with him that day and then ditch. I don’t consider myself loyal.
Now that I knew the measuring stick, I asked the Lord what he was trying to tell me next. I just started flipping through pages of my bible, stopped, and threw my finger down on the page where I thought he wanted me to. This method may seem silly to you, but my finger landed directly on Romans 3, subject headed “God’s Faithfulness.”
From that passage I wrote down three things:
- I have been entrusted with the words of God (vs. 2)
- Even when I am unfaithful, God remains faithful (vs. 3)
- God already knew I would fall short (vs. 23)
So God kind of washed me in His grace with that one. He let me know that he knew I would mess up, but he had already forgiven me five minutes ago when I asked to be forgiven. But that didn’t mean he was done teaching me. I asked what was next and my finger fell on Hebrews 11.
Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Without faith it is impossible to please God. (Verses one and six.)
You should really go read all of Hebrews 11 because it’s the bomb. I read the chapter and took one point from each person’s life that is mentioned. This is what faithfulness meant to God:
Faithfulness means:
- I understand God’s power (vs. 3)
- I sacrifice my best (Abel)
- I am saved (Enoch)
- I am called to obedience (Noah)
- I go even when I don’t know the destination (Abraham)
- I may not live to see the fruit of my labors (Abraham)
- I am a stranger in the world (Abraham)
- I worship unceasingly (vs. 21)
- I accept the past, present, and future
- I am unafraid of man because I know the power of God
- I escape worldly desires
- I am perseverant
- I am led through on dry ground (Moses/Israel)
- I am redeemed (vs. 31)
- I am victorious (vs. 30)
I then wrote the question, Am I these things? Truly?
The answer I realize is, no. Which hurts. But the Lord was not finished. Next he called me into a deeper relationship with him. Not just a Father/Daughter relationship, but the relationship of Husband and Wife. This seemed incredibly weird to me, but we are all called to be the Bride of Christ.
This naturally led me to think about our relationship in terms of a marriage. I am committed to the Lord. Really and truly, I decided a couple years ago that I would go anywhere with Him the second he asked, and I love him in way that is persistent and long lasting. At the same time though…. I couldn’t help but feeling we were like an old married couple, staring at each other across the breakfast table, almost too lazy to ask the other to pass the salt.
I have my daily rituals with the Lord and spend time with him, but at the same time I feel a great distance. Part of that distance is, I know, the fact that I’ve been “cheating on” Him with other things and people.
My next question, obviously, was to ask the Lord how to achieve faithfulness. The answer was staring me in the face in Hebrews 12. I laughed as I remembered my bible teacher commenting this exact passage on my last blog post. It seemed a simple encouragement at the time, but now I devoured each word as though I had never read it before. How to achieve faithfulness:
- Throw off everything that hinders us and the sin that so easily entangles
- Run with perseverance
- Fix your eyes on Jesus, who perfects your faith
This is much much much easier said than done. Throw off everything that hinders and only focus on Jesus? Why was that so hard? In that moment I decided that this debrief in Penang, Malaysia was going to be a couples retreat for me and the Lord. Because he is jealous and has a miserable sense of humor, the next morning when I tried to charge my phone, I discovered that it was broken and wouldn’t hold a charge anymore. There would be no taking advantage of the constant wifi of debrief for Carissa. No whatsapping my Indian friends or skype calling home. He was obviously ready for my full attention and was helping me throw off the things that were distracting me from him.
The week of debrief I was able to worship again, have honest and broken conversations with Him, and make myself vulnerable about wanting to have a deeper relationship.
This lesson is, as I said in the beginning, the most important thing I’ll learn for the next few years. I believe it’s the most important for two reasons.
Firstly, when’s the last time you evaluated your relationship with the Lord in terms of a marriage? Okay, do it right now. As you think about it, remember that the Word clearly says he is a jealous God, hating anything that is put before him. Remember that he not only desires your love, but your time and your attention. Have you given him that kind of dedication and love lately?
Secondly, I am not married yet. I really don’t intend on being married in the near future, but I know that it will be something I will have to start thinking about in the next couple years. Truly the thought terrifies me, but I figure the best way to find a husband is to first have the Lord as my husband. I mean, he’s kind of as perfect as they come and he’s already given his life to me and loved me unconditionally. What better way to raise your standards and hold out for the right man? Any man who is seeking your heart, ladies, should find God at the center. He should have to fight for your attention because you are so focused on better and greater things.
Malaysia has taught me what it means to love unconditionally like God loves, how to step out of my comfort zone, and what it means to be a faithful daughter, bride, and servant of God. I know I’m not done learning what it means to be the Bride of Christ and I’m sure he’ll keep teaching and forgiving me as I continue to mess up and fall short. We’re all on a journey, friends. I hope you choose to let the Lord lead your steps on his perfect path this week. I love you all and thank you for your continued support and prayers. We leave Malaysia on the 4th of March and I’ll be in South Africa (with my parents) before starting my last three months in Botswana.
Have a blessed week!
