This past month has been really hard on my relationship with the Lord. It felt like I hit a wall and I didn’t know what else to do.
Every morning when I would wake, I would ask Him to show Himself to me. “Lord I want to feel your presence, I need to feel your presence.. But I don’t. Are you not there anymore? Do you not care? I don’t hear you. Why won’t you speak to me? Give me something.” When I asked Him these questions, I asked it with the expectance that He wasn’t going to respond. I didn’t give Him any room to show me or talk to me.
The Lord is good. He is sovereign. He is almighty. And I know that. In the moments of doubt and fear, deep down I knew that.
But it was hard. I didn’t believe that the Lord had good plans for me. And in doubting His goodness, I started to step away from the truth. I didn’t have alone time with Him every morning, like I normally do. I didn’t constantly speak to Him in my mind and invite Him into the space where I was. I didn’t give Him a chance.
And yet.. He still pursued me.
Last week, I was admitted into the hospital for an enlarged liver. And let me tell you… The process of getting into the hospital was exhausting and frustrating. The first hospital I went to, they wouldn’t allow me in because they didn’t accept my international medical insurance. Then when we finally found a hospital that did accept my insurance, the process of getting the insurance and the hospital to work together, took TWO DAYS. I was done. My exact thoughts were.. “Of course, now I have to go to the hospital, nothing’s working out, and I have a lump in my side and who knows what that is.” I had no faith that the Lord had good plans for me.
After being admitted for 1 day and 1 night, I finally got around to seeing the doctor. He felt around my stomach and then went to my side and felt my liver. He told me that my liver was definitely enlarged and that I was going to need to get an ultrasound to see what was going on. Later that night my squad leaders came to visit me and while we were just hanging around being goofy, 3 guys came and asked if they could pray for me. My thoughts “yeah you can pray, but God doesn’t want to heal me. If He did I wouldn’t be here now would I?”
And then, they prayed for me. Wow was it powerful. He laid his hand on my head, and spoke life and truth into me. He declared healing in Jesus name. He declared it with such truth, that in that moment, I believed him. I got up and the lump was still there. After everyone left, I laid in the hospital bed and just said “God I don’t understand. Why not me? Why not heal me?” I was hurt. But then he said…
Be still, my child. You will see that I am good. You will know my love for you.
I woke up the next morning and the lump was gone. I got the ultrasound and everything was fine. The doctor came and felt my stomach and was shocked because everything was gone.
I couldn’t celebrate. I wanted to. I wanted to be as excited as my squad leaders were when I called and told them. But I just couldn’t. I was so ashamed that I had doubted His love for me. Doubted that He had plans for me. Doubted that he could miraculously heal me. Doubted everything about Him that I knew was true.
But He is telling me something different.
He didn’t die for me so that I could be bound by my sins. He died for me to set me free.
He wants me to celebrate his goodness. He wants me to feel his love and he wants me to feel his presence. He never leaves me and he never will.
This month he showed me that when I am doubting and feel alone… That’s when I need to press in the most. I don’t need to step away or stop doing things with him that I normally do. I need to do those things even more than I did before. I need to fight. I need to show him that I love him too.
He reminded me that its okay that I was doubting, it doesn’t make me any less and that He loves me now just as much as he always has. His love is unchanging and never failing.
Thanks Jesus. You’re my hero.
p.s. It was also super cool that I got to experience a miracle and that I was able to feel God’s love through that.
