The past few months have been jam-packed…I took (and passed!) my comprehensive exams, finished my assistantship, and graduated with my master’s in Student Affairs in Higher Education. All of this wrapped up one week before training camp. Needless to say I didn’t have much time to prepare. I didn’t know what to expect and I certainly didn’t know what to pack but suddenly I found myself sleeping in a tent in the muddy back woods of Georgia.
photo credit: Megan Kennedy
The first part of the week was a whirlwind of heavy rain, red Georgia mud, and teachings (on forgiveness, spiritual perception, and the Holy Spirit to name a few). I was eating up everything that was being taught. I had more focus in these first three days than I ever had in my two years of graduate school. Truth seemed to be gushing out of the speakers’ mouths and all I could do was be washed away in it. Yet somehow something was still missing. My mind was tracking with everything. I intellectually understood the freedom that was preached but my heart struggled to keep up.
I couldn’t seem to connect with the presence of the Lord. I was craving the Holy Spirit in a way I never had before but I couldn’t quench my thirst. After a few days I felt like I had been through a war—my body was bruised and my soul was tired. I knew I shouldn’t compare my experience to my squad-mates but it was hard to miss the renewal and spiritual encounters others were having. Admittedly I was discouraged. I knew my faith wasn’t based on feelings but I wondered if I would ever really feel the presence of the Lord at Training Camp.
I reached a point of desperation. I was desperate for the Lord, not for what He could give me, or what he could do for me but desperate for His presence.
Then, in the midst of my desperation, God showed up. Not in any big manifestation but in the words of my squad leader. As I stood hands raised asking the Lord to come, she came with a word from God: Desperation. She told me that God wanted me to know that being desperate for His presence was a good place to be. It was a place where He would meet me; a place where he would break me; and a place where he would heal me.
Desperation is where my World Race journey truly began.
In my desperation I began to hear God’s voice. I began to recognize and own the truths that I am chosen; I am a daughter of the King; I am forgiven and the issue of my value was settled at the cross. There isn’t anything more I need to be or do to earn God’s favor. In my desperation, I found the unmistakable, omnipotent, loving presence of God of the Universe who wants to walk me through this next year of new experiences and growth. I have a long journey ahead but I am walking confidently knowing that God wants to turn my desperation into redemption. And I can’t wait!
