"You've always seemed like you've been searching for something." As soon as I read this text from my mother, it clicked: I do not know myself.
"Who did you create me to be? Who is the extraordinary Cara? When did I start believing the lies about who I am?" Journal Entry
I have to be real… As I watch the Bykota House kids running around being their sweet, unfiltered selves I have been jealous. Jealous of the innocence and freedom that they possess. There is one little girl in particular, Maddie, who is TRULY herself. She rarely has a filter with what she says (we do have that in common) and expresses so much joy and love for herself. She is often complimenting herself, proud of her achievements despite if she has met "the standard." No wonder God requires childlike faith. It's the most authentic, trusting, and innocent kind.
I don't even know what I like and don't like (at least until recently). I started to think about my childhood and what I was like. What did I enjoy doing? What was I passionate about then? What was my unfiltered self like when I didn't care what others thought?
Here's what I learned: I wanted to learn to skateboard, I LOVED karate and the competitions, I wanted to learn to fly toy airplanes, I wanted to learn to be a professional yo-yoer (do they exist?), I wanted to learn sign language, I enjoyed making good grades in elementary school, I considered switching to a performing arts school when I was a freshman in high school due to my interest in theater, and I had a profound sweet spot in my heart for the under dog. I asked myself why these things aren't a part of my life now or why I never tried doing these things through high school.
I stopped doing those things because they were no longer cool.
I started to believe that I was who everyone said I was. I was the athlete. Athletes don't enjoy theater. I was a bully, so of course I had to live up to that expectation. No one was going to mess with me! I didn't make good grades therefore I wasn't smart. Simply passing the class became the expectation because trying and failing was way too embarrassing…more embarrassing than barely getting by.
God is freeing me from my stereotype.
Here's what I've discovered: I am somewhat artistic. I enjoy photography. I enjoy painting. I enjoy nature. I enjoy solitude. I enjoy reading. I am smart. I can be relatively patient and gentle with people. I am free.
I know this sounds so simple, but for me it's a profound freedom that I haven't experienced since childhood.
God loves Me. The Cara now. The Cara in the process of learning who she actually is. The Cara He's created with love, for love, and of love. I don't have to dress my heart up with Him. He's committed to me. He continues to reveal how much He loves me through my self-discovery. He says to me, "I've always known who you are. You've been mine. I've just been waiting for you to believe it. You don't have to be who others say you are. Let me reveal to you My passions for your life. And even if you don't discover the you I've made you to be just yet, that's okay, I will wait. I love the you that's confused too. I'm committed to showing you who you are. Follow Me. Trust Me."
FOR MY PARENTS: THANK YOU for always supporting whatever I did. You bought me the skateboard, nunchucks, karate boards to break, competition entrance fees, softball tournaments year round, cheer leading competitions, the yo-yo (You're probably shocked about this one, but it was a secret), told me it was okay if I wanted to switch high schools that I could be whatever I wanted to be. Thank you for making it okay to be who I was. Looking back I see God's love through you both. Thank you for showing me the love of my Jesus before I even knew Him!
