This month I have had so many thoughts and questions, mostly concerning my emotions.
I have always functioned out of my emotions. If I felt it, it was real and true. For about 3 months I have been asking God to take me to a place where I can have a sustaining, consistent relationship with Him that didn't depend on the emotional highs.
The Bible tells us to choose to love. How is love a choice? I have never understood that. What did this biblical love look like and how could I obtain/give it?
Here is an excerpt from my journal during worship:
How do I worship You without feeling emotionally connected to You? Is worship a feeling? I seem to only pray when I'm feeling emotion. I only blog when I feel emotion. Is passion emotion based? Is compassion emotionally based? I want more than the emotional high with You. I want real, lasting relationship with You. HOW CAN I LOVE LIKE YOU?! God answered me, "I am taking you there. Receive it. Choose love, choose joy. Practice it. It's okay if you fail. In order to give you must receive. How can you give something you don't have?"
Right after this excerpt I had visions of God and my 3 years old self playing in a sandbox, having batting practice, and sitting under a tree. The most surprising vision I got was us having a tea party. I've realized that while I was never interested in doing that as a child I think that is the most girly thing a child could ask her Daddy to do with her. And if he does that's really showing her how much he cares for her. He just wants to spend time with her despite what the activity looks like.
Overwhelmed with love is an understatement. I truly felt like a daughter of the King. I've never felt like His daughter before.
Then He showed me these words: Unconditional, unmerited, unlimited, and even though.
"Even though?" I asked. Then I saw visions of me choosing sin over Him before I got saved. He said, "Even though you chose a life of sin over Me. Even though you will choose things over Me in the future. I love you. It will not fail."
He is taking me to new heights. New depths. To know the love of Christ, and to know that this love surpasses knowledge. That I may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (Eph 3:16-19).
I choose to receive. I choose love.
Amen.
