As I have sworn to absolute honesty this is, in fact, the most embarrassing blog I have ever written.
I am prideful.
I do not understand Holy Spirit.
I cannot trust God with my heart.
I do not understand Tongues or the rules of when/how to speak it.
I have a love/hate relationship with Training Camp (TC).
I can't even explain TC and that frustrates me.
Writing this blog is frustrating me because it's like pulling teeth trying to write anything down.
I don't have it all together. In fact it feels like everything is falling apart. (You never say that you "have it all together" as a Christian. You always say you don't have it all together… but I never actually believed that about myself. In a lot of ways I definitely thought I had it all together.)
I thought for sure I was going to be a leader, and honestly I felt more spiritually mature than most people coming into TC.
I thought my leaders didn't like me.
I felt like I was in a performance tank at TC where I am constantly being assessed, but never being told where I stand.
I have a need for approval from people.
With most of these confessions there are LOTS of lies. These lies definitely didn't just show up in TC, but they are in my heart in a lot of areas of my life. God exposed these areas of my heart last week.
I STRUGGLED at TC. My ugly heart looked like a shadow hiding in a dark ally, just trying to stay out of the light.
Here is the truth:
I AM prideful, but I am also FORGIVEN.
I don't have to understand Holy Spirit
God is the more trustworthy than any human.
Tongues is beautiful. I don't have to know everything about it.
I still have a love/hate relationship with TC. I am still processing a lot. And that's okay. God's big enough for that.
I don't have to be able to explain TC because the Lord can. I just get to tell people about it. They have access to the same God that showed up at TC (right, Kacie?).
Turns out I wrote enough in this blog!
I'll never have it all together. The day I think I do is when I need to be concerned.
I am so excited to follow my team leader, Kalah. I am asking my squads forgiveness in my placing more value on myself than you. I am also thanking my squad for being so loving when I absolutely DID NOT deserve it!
Whether my leaders did or didn't like me, they LOVED ME and loved me WELL!
The leaders were constantly praying over our teams and leadership and hearing from the Lord about it.
I do not live to please man, but God only.
I am so thankful for this process. I am thankful for the embarrassing revelation of my heart. I am thankful that I do NOT have to live in shame or guilt because Jesus died for that. He carried that for me. He is big enough for my questions. He paved this road for me, so I know He is walking it with me. Thank you, Lord for crucifying my flesh!
I want to challenge you to ask Jesus to reveal to you the ugly parts of your heart. Will it hurt? Absolutely! It's never easy, but Jesus promised to never leave us or forsake us. He will be there to hold your hand through it!
