I’m gonna be vulnerable for a second and say: I’m scared to go home.
I’m scared of falling into routines again – watching too much TV, obsessing over my weight, or wondering when I’m going to meet my man. I haven’t had any opportunity to do those things on the race. I haven’t had anyone mention my weight or seen their eyes widen at how much I’ve gained. I haven’t even had mirrors around all that much to remind me of what I look like. It’s been so great! Do I have people in my life that would say such things to me? Maybe not outright, but in passive aggressive ways, yes. “So, were you able to work out at all?” “Aren’t you happy to getting back into a workout routine again?” etc, etc.
I’m scared of not having enough community around me that will call me higher and call me out. I had started getting involved in community back at home, but it hadn’t reached a depth that I’ve been able to reach on the race in only a matter of months. Can I go back into it knowing what real, in depth community looks and feels like? Can I press into it when I may only be around for a little while?
I’m scared that I’m going to lose my confidence, all that I’ve gained on this journey, to be who I was created to be. What if the Lord prompts me to pray for someone? Will I be able to step up and do it? Or will I shy away like pre-Race Candace did and hope someone else will step up?
What if all of the confidence I gained gets washed away in one whispered lie from the enemy? “Your prayers have no power here.” “Nobody wants to know who Jesus really is. This is America, not some village desperate for the love of the Creator.”
All of these thoughts and more have come flooding into my mind since finding out when I’ll be flying back home. Home, which doesn’t really feel like home anymore. I thought before the race that there’d be no way I’d want to leave Gainesville. I love the small town feel. I love my church. I was loving the community there. I loved the friends I had and the fact that it was only a couple hours away from my Tampa friends.
But now, I can’t think of anything else but booking my next flight to some country far away so that I can start whatever ministry God’s called me to. I don’t feel content going back to the daily grind of 9-5. I don’t want that life anymore.
I’m scared that people in my life will not support my decision to do missions in another country. It was already hard enough convincing people that this is what God called me to do. How much harder will it be to convince them that I’m called to live in another country?
I’m not called to America right now. I feel it in my bones that I’m called elsewhere for some time. No, America isn’t some fairytale land; neither is any other country. I know we’re hurting just as much as any other country. We are broken. We’ve pretended for a long time to be this land of freedom, but more and more I’m seeing that we’re not all free. That hate is rampant here. We’re calling out people for their sin, but we’re not calling out for God’s help. And I’d much rather live somewhere else that is desperate for God, not a place where people continually push God away. Yes, that means America needs God more than anything. But I’ve seen people in much more dire situations living in God’s peace and joy, because they let God be God (i.e., judge of the nations) and depended on him for everything. I need that right now.
Please don’t misunderstand. I AM excited to see you all back at home, all my family and friends. I am overjoyed for that day. But just as Abraham was called to leave his family and move into a completely unknown place, I have been called to do the same, and I’m eager for that season. And I’m hoping that this next season at home, however long, will be one of encouragement and love, one that spurs me on for God’s calling on my life.
