I looked into happy’s eyes for the last time. Just a beautiful two year old, not yet tainted by the reality of life. Half of me was thinking about the day when I was two. How I want to remember those days, but I don’t. It really doesn’t seem like it was that long ago. And the other half of me is so content. Holding a child in my arms. Feeling her sweet cheek rest against my chest. Drying her tears with the side of my thumb as she cries because her gentle heart has been hurt. It seams right this way. I can’t fully explain it, but it seems so right.
Moments like this one are easy. Loving comes naturally when your pleased with what is before you. When your happy that the little girl in your arms wants you. It’s easy to love when your loved.
The reluctance in my heart to leave her was stronger than any goodbye I’ve faced on the Race. It seamed more permanent. She gave me one last kiss as her brother picked her up off my lap. I could feel the heaviness in my heart increase. I looked at the tears in her eyes fall as though gravity was pulling them from her eyes. I watched as they walked and something in her knew that I wouldn’t get to see her again.
And this was the goodbye that hurt the most. Because we both knew that in the process of loving Happy something in me healed. Loving her made me better.
And then she chased the car as we drove away. Now, 5 hours later, I am beginning to feel the weight of love. And I think I get why Jesus died for it. Because it’s so good.
For the first time in months I allowed my heart to open up. Even with the fear of having my heart broken. I think, In the process, I found the truth to be so different. When you open your heart to love others, you can finally realize how loved you are.
We love because He first loved us.
I can love because I know I’m loved. You see, somewhere in the pain I’ve experienced healing. I’ve experienced what it’s like to be made new. Maybe all it takes to be whole is give all you have. Because what we do for others we really do for Him.
