“Take this time now to grieve. Grieve your losses and the seasons of your life that have come to pass.”
Silence. In my head and heart I heard nothing. I haven’t lost anyone that I’ve been really close to, I’m pretty sure I’ve dealt with the things and people in my past that have hurt me.
Begin to write. I’m not sure what I am writing but I have this urge to write. I begin to write things that I thought I had “grieved”. Words lies began to fill my page. Things that happened when I was young (I mean middle school young) that hurt me, people that have hurt me or disappointed me, the season of my life when I had an eating disorder and dealt with depression began to be scribbled on my pages. I never would have thought I would remember these things much less let continue to hurt me filled up my page like a messy jumbled word search.
Confession. After we wrote our grieving list. We broke into small groups of our squad mates and a squad trainer and confessed what we wrote down. What we still needed to grieve.
You aren’t good enough.
You’re not as good as the person beside you.
You’re awkward.
You aren’t pretty enough.
You aren’t skinny enough.
You aren’t worthy to find a man of God.
You never will find a man of God.
You will never grow in intimacy with God.
People don’t really like you they just pretend.
You don’t have wise counsel.
Your salvation isn’t real.
Realization. I heard silence at first because my heart had become hard. The words and lies became normal to me. I chose to believe them and hear them and they became so normal that at first I didn’t even think it was something I needed to grieve. But when I confessed them with my mouth I heard the falsehood of the lies I had believed for so long.
Brokenness. In order to really grow, to truly grow and grieve, we must realize we are broken. In my brokenness I wept. The floodgates of captivity of the lies that I had so long believed burst with a mighty wave. Tears of freedom streamed down my face. The lies were poured out no longer holding me captive.
Prayer. One of our dear sweet loving squad trainers knew I was broken, saw my hurt, but knew my heart and came and prayed. I will never forget the prayer. It was a prayer of freedom, it was a prayer of charge “Your last name isn’t FORCE by coincidence”, and it was a prayer of love.
Freedom. Surrendering my grief, the lies, my hurt to God. I felt as though the chains of captivity were BOLDLY broken. The chains of restriction were so boldly and loudly broken I finally after many many months of praying to hear from God I saw my sweet Jesus’ face. I heard him say “Sister come to me let me give you rest. I love you more deeply than you will ever know.”
JOY. Tears of joy and gladness filled my heart. Words of kindness and affirmation lit up my life.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
The KING is ENTHRALLED with your beauty.
You are made in MY image.
There is not a flaw in you.
You will BOLDLY love and serve the nations.
I have called you.
You are MINE.
Let ME pursue you.
You are stronger than you think.
You are wiser than you believe
My beloved this next year you will know and experience me deeper than you can even begin to imagine
My God set me free this past weekend. I have been washed with prayer, goodness, love, and truth. I have been blessed with a squad that has become family that will encourage, challenge, bless, and love each other well. It’s been hard for me to put this in words because how can you really explain a spiritual change so deep like this one? I know that my God is good. My Heavenly Father is light and in Him there is no darkness. I cannot wait to share with you my journey.
It’s now time to show the behind the scene of my highlight reel. This next year I will be honest, I will share with you what God is showing me, how he is molding me, and what he is breaking me of.
Welcome to my messy journey. I’m excited to share it with you.
With all my love- Cam
