For ten days in April, and then two and a half weeks in September, there were twenty plus adults who called themselves September 2007 World Racers. We did everything together: we ate together, slept together, worshipped together, and traveled to foreign lands together. Though we were split into four smaller teams, we still moved together as one massive World Race body. Then once in Thailand, our four teams split into four different regions, each heading off to unknown territory to start ministry with uncertain excitement. Suddenly, team seven: eleven was alone in Ratchaburi, Thailand living in a YWAM office building and striving in our owns ways to make ourselves comfortable in an uncomfortable environment.
From an email I sent a few days ago:
“I feel like we are divided. I feel unincluded/unworthy most of the time we are together as a team (which, let’s be honest, is ALL the time). God’s teaching me a lot about my pride and how my pride and my insecurities get in the way of authentic relationships and in the way of ministry. The things I said I’d “lay down” while at training camp (the right to be heard and voice my opinion; comparing myself to others) are definitely being tested. And it’s really rough. I know I need to suck it up and sit down, one-on-one with certain people, be vulnerable, and talk about how I feel about certain issues, but I feel so emotionally handicapped and burdened by this stubborn, heaviness that I keep telling myself “I’m not ready” to have these talks. My insecurities overwhelm me. I think that this summer, whenever I was struggling with these sorts of emotions I just removed myself from the situation and was fine (because I never seem to be able to express what needs to be said in the moment…I need time to regroup and reflect). But now it is not possible to remove myself. I knew this community-living, extreme-conditions, spiritual-warfare experience of the next year of my life was going to be tough and stretching and hard, but I never expected it so soon! I know we were not supposed to have expectations, but I suppose I expected that because we are all mature adults, we would address personal issues and disagreements and hurt feelings and different opinions in mature conversation and deal with conflict and move on. But we’re all a bunch of broken, introverted (well, most of us), uncertain missionaries who have no idea how to operate as a team, as a church.”
Since the time of this email, we have had a “family meeting” to discuss some of the issues we are having and where we are struggling, as a team. I personally have received sound wisdom in how to approach this communication difficulty, and know that this is still so early in our trip – it is going to take a long time to work through conflicts and hurt feelings, and even once we think we’ve “arrived” as a team, we will continue to have to lay ourselves down before the Lord and sacrifice self to better our church body. I still feel that a lot of things remain unsaid. But as a whole, we expressed a lot of concerns and struggles, and though conclusions were not all reached the other night, as a whole we are, slowly, becoming more as one body. And for that meeting and for the process of what this year will bring, I am thankful.
Oh, why do we refuse to hang a light,
When the streets are dangerous?
Why does it take an accident,
Before the truth gets through to us?
Cages or wings,
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love, baby
Don’t say the answer
Actions speak louder than words
