To current and future racers, on your bad days:
You will have bad days on the Race. You will have days you want to go home. It is what you do on those days that makes all the difference.
From Swayimane, South Africa, July 12, 2015
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever…But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.
Psalm 76: 26,28
Today, I want to go home.
I am living in a small village in South Africa and it is hard.
Yesterday it took over an hour just to get to internet and I finished less than half of my to-do list. I have so much to get done for logistics and there is no way to do it.
Last night the wind was blowing so loud on our tin roof I couldn’t sleep. I was awake until almost 4am and then woke up sick to my stomach at 6:45.
It’s generally accepted that I brought the least amount of clothing on the race out of anyone on my squad. While this comes in handy when packing, today I am just frustrated. I haven’t done laundry in over 2 weeks. Nothing is clean.
Besides my clothes being dirty, I long for a real shower. Pouring a few cups of water over myself as I stand in a bucket in the corner of the rectangular room I share with three other people isn’t what I would call refreshing.
It might be the exhaustion from the lack of sleep I got last night, but today, I feel as if I am unraveling – a ball of yarn dropped down a hill. In the midst of my unraveling it is easy for me to long for the comforts of home: a hot shower, my bed, a washer and dryer, a hug from my mom.
However, on these days when it is hardest to continue this is when I must look to Jesus. Despite wanting to just lie in my bed and stare into nothing this morning, I read my daily devotional, Jesus Calling. The first line for today says “Whenever you feel distant from Me, whisper My Name in loving trust. This simple prayer can restore your awareness of My Presence.” Today, that is all I can do. I don’t have any other prayers except “Jesus, help me.”
He does.
I receive a text on my AIM phone from a squadmate and marvel at the perfect timing. It is just what I needed to cheer me up and to know that I have someone praying for me on a hard day.
The Spirit quietly reminds me of a note I received yesterday referencing Nehemiah 8:10 “for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Lord, give me some of that joy today when I have no strength of my own.
We move to a new homestay and we are able to do laundry as soon as we arrive. I now sit in my room with the scent of laundry soap whirling around me. Slightly damp clothes are hanging all about. By morning they will be completely dry and clean.
Seth calls from Gainesville to talk about logistics and by the end of the conversation almost all my stress from yesterday is gone.
In my new homestay I have a room to myself for a few nights while our squad leaders are on a retreat. This is an extremely special gift. The most space I’ve had to myself since living in my tent in Cambodia. I even have time for a nap before dinner.
On the Race, and in life, we often find ourselves in circumstances that are not as we would like. We wish to be somewhere else, anywhere else. We sit in our bitterness. We let our circumstances steal our joy.
If we cry out to Jesus in these times, he is there to help, in both tangible ways and intangible ways. On the days when I feel like I’m falling apart, and every other day, He is there. I look back on today and I see all the ways God was taking care of me. The prayer was simple this morning, but the impact was great.
I won’t lie to you and tell you that I am completely free of my bad day blues. I am still exhausted and wish I could take a hot shower and get a hug from my mom right now, but I have peace in my heart and know that I am supposed to be here. Tomorrow I will wake up and I will pray for Jesus to help me through the day. I will pray for joy, for His joy to live inside me and consume me.
My prayer is that you do the same. That everyday, even and especially on the hard days, you wake up and ask Jesus to help you through the day. That you ask Him to give you joy.
Take it from a person who prefers to do things on her own, without help from other people, you cannot do this Race or this life on your own. If I were doing this on my own, I would be in America right now, not Africa. I’m glad I’m in Africa.
