We were quick to get to business after arriving at our Hostel in Kota Bharu, Malaysia. We found a Revival Church in town, and sent 3 members of our team to scope out the place. Brooke and I stayed back. We wander our hostel site, which is a summer camp during the regular (not monsoon) season. We looked at the wildlife (aka monkeys, snakes, and pigeons the size of roosters). As we chit chatted we walked down to the river.
“Hey wanna take a kayak on the river?”
Brooke responded with a hard yes, and we went exploring for life jackets.
As Juan, our Spanish tour guide around the camp, lowered the kayak into the river he said we could take the river all the way to the ocean, or we could take a right and ‘go around the island’. He recommended we ‘go around the island’, so Brooke and I keep our eyes open for the first available right.
As we move with the current we are having trouble working together to get the kayak to go in a straight direction. We keep zig-zagging across the river.
Little did I know when I signed up I was going to be taken to Church and have a team building exercise at the same time.
I try to communicate to Brooke in the front seat that we need to paddle at the same rate. I try to match her, I try to call out a rhythm, I even try to do wide strokes instead of tight deep strokes. Still we zig-zagged. We see the first available right, and take it upstream.
Juan said, “go around the island”, therefore the river should connect and we will come downstream back to the camp. We just have to paddle upstream till it links up again.
Not within 5 stokes of going upstream, Brooke starts battling lies.
“Maybe we should turn around?”
“What if it rains on us?”
There wasn’t a rain cloud in the sky. How could she give up so early? But this was not outside of Brooke’s current Character arch. She really has been struggling to find confidence in this current arena. I guess that is what this whole trip is about, getting uncomfortable, abandoning your old character behind and struggling, persevering, and finding hope within the struggle. Becoming a different person then you were before.
“Brooke, you can’t give up now. Stop believing the lies.”
She nods her head and continues to paddle. We continue upstream. Now I am not an expert kayaker. In fact I wouldn’t even call myself a novice kayaker. I would call myself someone who will try anything at least twice. When going upstream 3 paddles are worth 1.
So we push. We push with everything we have. Trying to keep up a rhythm. The scenery is beautiful, absolutely breathtaking. However I need most of my breath so I can keep rowing. I have my head down counting out loud. 1. 2. 3. 4.
The river twists and turns. At every bend we think it might be the end, that the island will show itself and we can continue back downstream. But that doesn’t happen. With every paddle the next bend looks near impossible, yet we reach it.
Brooke starts to doubt herself again. I start to sing a line from a worship song to myself. “I’m never gunna let you dowwwnnn”. My stubbornness kicked in high gear, I was going to complete this. I was not going to be defeated by this.
A couple more bends in the river, and I start to yell to myself and to God. I am frustrated. I am giving it all I have, where will the end be? And not to mention we can’t keep the kayak straight. We are traveling in a serpentine pattern across the river. This trust, team-building exercise is not going well, we can not vibe together. Two people separately trying to travel upstream.
“Why! Why do my prayers sound weak?”
“It is my faith?”
“Why? What is wrong with me?”
(Completely off topic, but that is what I wanted to scream at God about. For some reason lately, when prayers leave my mouth I don’t feel confident in how they sound. They sound weak. I am learning a lot about prayer, and I refuse to play by the normal rules of Christianese Prayer. So I struggle through this topic)
“You sent the others to look pretty in Church, and you sent me out here to struggle”
“Of course you know this is how I enjoy my sabbaths”
“But why do I enjoy meeting you here?”
“Why can’t I enjoy meeting you in the easy places?”
Then I start talking to myself.
“Strength and perseverance”
“Baby Steps”
“Keep moving forward”
“If you want something you have to put in the work to get there”
I am sure Brooke thinks I am delusional by this point. We find a log sticking up above the waterline, near the shore. I pull us over toward it so we can rest. We stay at this point for 45 minutes. I try to pry Brooke open, trying to understand what is going on inside her steel trap of a brain. She turns the tables on me and lets me talk for 30 minutes. I fell right into the trap of me talking about myself. I self analyze myself, and have so many open boxes in my own head that I can talk about myself and my ideas for days. In this she falls silent.
She tells me this is the most vulnerable she has seen me, and that one day I will make a great father who won’t let his kids give up with things get tough.
I am honored by her comments, but still annoyed. I have plenty to say if people allow me to talk, and she totally avoided talking about herself.
I guess to create a culture of vulnerability I must be vulnerable first.
We continue upstream, past a bridge, around several more twists and turns. I am pushing myself with every breath.
I am stubborn and want to see this completed. I did not give my sweat, tears and struggle in this not to complete the task. I did not drive Brooke forward without assurance of success. I wanted to make it around the island.
After 3 hours of pushing upstream in the sun, I could see my skin gaining a nice tint of red.
The last lesson to be learned was when to give up. For a stubborn person, like myself, this can be the hardest lesson.
I was done. I was proud of all I had accomplished. I was ready to let the current take me back.
At this moment Brooke’s stubborn side kicked.
“But what if the river splits right after the next bend?”, she said.
I obliged, and we continued upstream past two more bends.
Nothing.
The River continued straight as far as the eye could see.
I told Brooke, “I am not angry that we didn’t make it. I am proud of all we did. We pushed farther then we ever though possible. What would make me angry is if another group went out when we did, and said how easy it was.”
Because by no means what was just completed easy for me, or Brooke.
We let the current spin us around and take us downstream back to the Camp.
It took 3 hours to row upstream, and 20 minutes to get back.
We get back to dock, and I barely have enough strength in my legs to get out of the boat. We put everything away. Climb up the stairs to our room. I have enough strength to let myself plop on the floor in exhaustion. After a minute I hear footsteps come up the stairs. The door opens and I hear Diava’s loud New York accent, “WOW, WE WENT OUT ON THE KAYAK’S AND IT WAS GREAATTTT!!!!”
(PS they didn’t make it to church, it was closed, and they left maybe 2 hours after us…They went downstream the whole time…and Diava is practically a pro kayaker)
My arms are folded over my face and I blurb out, “I knew you would f***ing say that”.
She proceeds to kick me, and I apologize for cursing.
It was in that moment I had felt that all my hard work was marginalized. Which is pretty par for the course.
Many times I feel like I put in a nominal amount of work. I do everything I can and it is still not enough. Yes I go far, yes I give it my all, but someone else always has a better time.
Maybe it is a matter of perspective. Maybe my perspective is off. I had a good time, no matter how much I cursed to the sky and struggled to paddle up the river. I was out 2 hours longer then they were, and going upstream for most of it.
I do not mean to play the comparison game. I just do not know how to resolve my issue of feeling like I am not enough.
It is one comment, that all my hard work and struggle and ground gained is destroyed.
The best thing about all this, is that there was no island. I would have went on forever. We were going upstream and there was no split in the river. I don’t know what island Juan was talking about.
Never the less. I had Church out on the River that day.
