Before I left on this adventure I ‘prayed’ that my heart would be expanded. In the past emotions have been difficult for me to process. I knew they were there. I recognized that they were caused by something. Yet processing, and communicating my emotions was a giant learning curve. A curve I have yet to fully ride and understand.
In college I met the darkside of myself. He came out when I was incredibly intoxicated, where all my walls and defenses were lowered. I named this side of myself, the Joker, after the infamous Batman villain. The chaotic clown would terrorize anyone in reach. The Joker had become a manifestation of my pent up anger, aggression, and dissatisfaction with the world around me .
After meeting Holy Spirit again (when I was 23), the Joker had yet to resurface, till now. For a long time I thought that side of me was ‘evil’, the ‘flesh’ side of things.
Yet here it is.
I was challenged by a squadmate, here in all squad month, she said “Caleb, you are scared to go deep with God because you are afraid what I might say about you”. That is totally true. I enjoy going to deep, but just enough where I can see the light above the surface, because to be honest, I do not know how deep the darkness that is in me goes.
I tend to believe that us as humans can only understand highs if we understand lows. You can only know how powerful light can be, once you understand what darkness means. Humans are not one-sided beings, we are not just joy and love, but also pain and sorrow.
This month has been marked by Anger. The first and probably the easiest emotion for men to understand. It is culturally acceptable for men to be angry. For days on end, I have been angry, and I can not figure it out. Where is this coming from? Why?
I automatically start blaming myself. Trying to take responsibility for my actions, for my emotions, and for my thought process.
I can not tell you how many times my nights have ended with me on the roof of our hostel yelling up at the night sky. To God. Even though I know He isnt up there, He is in me.
I am a mess this month. I am so grateful I have an outlet to try and express myself through.
This video is my attempt to show that true anger.
“Anger. An internal tornado. Violent winds. the breath of a hurricane resting in my soul. The dark has no other name. the bottomless rabbit hole has a destination. The beast that is my mind, is not to be tamed.
Do you call me evil? I am the son of the dark. We muddle in a puddle, we love our easy ecstasy, salivating for ‘salvation’. Like a fat kid in a candy store we are gluttons for the ‘glory’, wanting the sweet superficial taste of ‘transparency’. But what if I can’t see clearly? What if the darkness that is my soul is matched with the brightness of my presence?
You call me a Joker. Be careful for what you wish for. Some people just love to watch the world burn. This clown may turn chaotic. My brain is a labyrinth, be careful, there might be a minotaur.
Follow the White Rabbit, discover who you are. Here I am tripping. A trip I don’t know if I will wake up from. Here I am engaging in the rage game. Translations of my Vexations. Damn the Inferno. Damn your petty deepness. Listen to my screams. Tell me God is good. Tell me all the little Sunday school rhymes while I watch the world burn. “
In all honesty, I would like to think God is redeeming/claiming the darkside of myself for his glory. I believe that my soul is intertwined with his, and he crucified my flesh nature once and for all. So what is this darkness? It can’t be all evil? My anger isn’t all evil?
I find it ironic that He would start with Anger.
PS Titles are hard
