Currently Listening:Nameless Face-Lockdown
If you were hoping this would be an update on my sickness/me becoming an atheist in the hospital….well it’s not. This is the story of one of my many lessons I’ve learned so far on the race. My favorite phrase when I talk to friends at home is “If I’ve learned anything on the race it’s blah blah blah” I’m sure I’m annoying by now. But here I am in the middle of probably the greatest lesson I’ve learned/am learning. First, a quick story.
As we drove to the Elephant Riding Adventure we had last week I started thinking on the state of my spiritual wellbeing as I always do when I have some spare thinking time. And this lie(or truth depending on how you look at it) crept in. I said to myself “I’m just not good at this Christian thing.” to which I heard a small whisper say ” I never asked you to be a good Christian. All I ask is that you love me well.”
I am a bad Christian. Whether it is my heretical beliefs, lack of appreciation for the things that are deemed “holy” or the hole in my life that God has never filled. Twice on this race I have openly admitted these things to my team always with the preface of “This probably makes me a terrible Christian but…” I wish I could say I don’t know where this attitude comes from, but I know. I’ve heard my whole life the things that make you a “good” Christian, it’s the same things we try and force non-believers to do(which could also be another blog post on how can we expect those that don’t believe in the morality we believe in to follow our”rules” but I’ll save that one). What’s one of the major things we tell people when we try and convince them to follow Jesus, that hole in your life will be gone, God fills every corner of your life. Your doubts will be gone because the bible is the inherent and infallible word of God, it will tell you everything about God. You can see where my doubts in myself began. Second, another story.
When I finally decided to admit myself into the hospital I arrived with sweet Pamela and I had to fill out a paper. Not papers, just one paper. There was a question that hung me up it was one I had never seen on a medical form before: Religion. They were asking me outright if I was Buddhist or not. I thought for a moment “Well I’m not a Christian anymore.” See I had decided to stop refereeing to myself as a Christian, which is kinda hard and will take awhile. So I wrote down Jesus lover. I’m not a fan of the whole “Christianity is more than a religion it’s a relationship” crap we try to tell ourselves. I say crap because that’s not how we live. If we treated our Religion more like a relationship our country wouldn’t hate Christians near as much. Jesus lover it seemed to fit. It’s an action. I am always in the process of loving Jesus. Sounds a little hookey(and I avoid that kinda stuff at all costs) but it is who I am and I can’t keep running from it.
So the real question is, have I loved Him well? It comes down to if I have shown Him that I love Him. It matters not my opinion on abortion, gay marriage, the eternity of Hell, or if I actually believe in Heaven or Hell, if I spend the rest of my life in search for His presence to fill my life or not. It comes down to have I been faithful like any lover should? Have I been obedient? Have I taken the love He bestowed upon me and bestowed it upon others? Have I given freely of myself? Have I woken up everyday and lived the life He gave me for Him not because I have to but because I can’t imagine living my life any other way?
I get a lil emotional writing this. One of the biggest and scariest things I question is: How much do I love Him? Do I really love Him? Then I stop and wait. And I feel the fire again. Something deep down inside of me…burns for Him…it’s something so hard to explain, yet by those who feel it too, they know. This fire, this desire, this burn, this love is what pushes me on. In my dark moments in the hospital when the question of leaving, going back home real home, arose I couldn’t. True I am having the adventure of a lifetime, but it’s so much more than that. I am obeying. I am listening, I’m following my love into the wilderness. And it’s not time to come out yet.
“Who is that coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her Beloved?”
