A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out up in Gainesville for a World Race weekend. The first night we all went out to dinner in the big family style. Those conversations within the Race family most times amaze me. Jake was explaining his experience of returning to the Race a second time as a squad leader. He said everyone goes on the Race to run away or avoid something. No matter what when you get home you have to face it. You can’t run from it forever. For him it was finances. Seth was sitting next to me and asked, “So, what were you running from?” It took only a minute, “I loved God more than I loved people.” He responded in his sometimes wise, old sageness, “Ah, a true monk.”
I was afraid to be weak, afraid to me
I was afraid because I didn’t want them to see
what’s broken in me
But I guess I was wrong
should have known all along
when I am weak You are strong in me
Cause if they’re afraid I stand too tall
They’ll burn all the bridges and build a wall
But if they know I stumble
the walls might crumble down
Weak, Jason Gray
Fast forward a few days…I was spending time with the Lord one morning. “Read about the wall in Jericho.” Oh, OK. I read how ridiculous it must have sounded to everyone but Joshua. Walk around the wall for 7 days and its going to come down? That’s what God said to do. And I thought about the amazing things God wants to do with and through us if we just obey. Doesn’t have to make sense. In a way it’s better and brings God more alive in ones life when you say “yes” and don’t have all the answers. “God, what do you want to do with me? Which walls are we gonna break down? Seven? What’s special about the seven days? OK, I’m here what do we get to do?”
That night I snuggled in my bed. My heart was joyful after an evening spent with some great people at our Thursday small group. I spent some time talking with the Lord…talking with myself as well. Passing time, I thought, “Hmm, if I could have dinner with anyone, anyone, who would that be?” I thought for a moment and came with seven kinda quickly: Grandma, Carrie, Ashley, Evan, Maria, Mr. Sorrell, and Dad. It occurred to me that they all have something in common. I didn’t choose it on purpose, but all of them are people in my life that I hardly if ever get to see and rarely talk to. There are walls. God, we’re gonna break some down.
These were my seven. Still walking in a cautious obedience yet an excited passion I spent the next seven days for each of them. I spent each day in prayer simply waiting for what God was going to do with us. I made phone calls which brought some good conversations or time to catch up. I sent messages of hope and truth and love. I was trying my best. And to be honest my best isn’t always that great.
During that week of the seven (and just daily in my life) I am beginning to realize my own limitations, weaknesses, and brokenness – more specifically in the way to truly love His people. And I CAN’T do it on my own. I can’t. In my own jealousy and selfish-ambitions I am left with nothing to give to others. In fear I’ve held back. I’ve failed before and plan on failing in the future. MAN, THAT’S THE BEAUTY OF GRACE!!! God loves supremely! He LOVES us so intimately and faithfully….AND desires that we love His people too. Woo Hoo!! He knows…dude, He created this LOVE! This crazy upside-down loving raises the dead, heals the sick, brings freedom to the captive, and spares time for a ragamuffin like me.
I saw some walls come down…at least in my life. Oh, I’m learning to love. It hurts. It’s frustrating. It’s dying to self and diving into grace. And I’m learning how it’s unbelievably worth it…
In Christ Jesus freedom from fear empowers us to let go of the desire to appear good, so that we can move freely in the mystery of who we really are.
-Brennan Manning, Ragamuffin Gospel
