I didn’t want to write this blog. I haven’t really felt like writing much of anything lately. Not because wonderful things aren’t happening – it’s just that I’ve found life isn’t…what’s a good word…understandable. Solvable. The days and moments that go by can’t fully be summarized in a blog. And I didn’t want to write this one because I can’t wrap it neatly in a package for you. It’s messy to me still.
I’m having trouble with trust. It figures that by now my past is trying to come back and hinder the steps I need to take to keep going. (The enemy thinks he has new ammo.) I grew up with the self-made motto, “You can’t depend on people.” Already at a young age I thought everything could be handled by myself. It was safer that way. This past year I’ve had no other choice. I’ve had to trust strangers to carry my bags, give me directions, drive me through new cities, take me into their homes, feed me, and teach me languages. It’s been stretching to say the least – and that’s just with the people of the countries.
It’s been especially hard trusting my team. But, oh, I have learned so much! When things haven’t worked out it does become more difficult to believe that a second or third time will come with different results. Can people change? Be honest, vulnerable, willing, or reliable? I have no place to point fingers…mostly because when I do He turns my hand and points it back at me. It’s me He wants to know and deal with. “Don’t be troubled. You trust in God, now trust in Me.” (John 14:1) Even when trusting God a second time with the same thing seems insane He wants to build on that trust…as little as it may be. I think He’s calling each of us to step out of the boat in some way and test the waters like Peter did. (Matthew 14:22-31) Trusting God may be put into action by trusting the people around you. And if He calls you in that way will you step out? You only sink when your eyes are taken off of Him and onto the circumstance. God’s bigger than circumstance.
Most of this is just a fog I want to get figured out. So how do I trust what I can’t see? People are one thing…
But here’s my point: I don’t always trust people with my life and sometimes that disbelief in relationships floods into my relationship with God.
And I hate when that happens! I hate when I tip-toe safely into obedience instead of jumping in with excitement. It’s a fear He never meant to exist. It’s a lie that we cannot trust Him. Being exhausted during this last stretch of the Race has brought me to where all I’ve wanted to do was lay my head on my Father’s heart and have Him tell me everything is going to be OK. Everything is OK and I don’t need to worry. I don’t get that I’ve trusted God to get me around the world but I’m hesitant now with how things will work out. And I’ve seen all over the world how God provides everything for the poorest of poor, the orphan, and the widow, and the faithful missionaries we’ve met. I want Him to be that same mighty Provider in my life. I’m selfish in that I want Him to be my everything. To do that He needs to have everything of me. I don’t want to get stuck in the states doing something I don’t have an excitement for with everything available to me just because I have a bank account. I want to trust that my God will provide and that He will guide with His voice!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek HIs will in all you do, and He will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3: 5, 6
So, is that what this is about? I’m scared that people will overwhelm me when I get home and laugh when I try to seek God over an American life-style that makes sense to the comfortable. I was freaking out to my big brother the other day. He asked what I really wanted – a question I haven’t had the luxury of answering for quite a while. I told him I wanted freedom to do what God wanted and not feel guilty what other people think. He replies, “Who cares what other people think?…unless it’s something really stupid like building an ark.” Aside from the Noah-bashing – he’s one of my favorites and one of the few people that gives me advice without any sugar coating. It tastes like pasty old soup some times but it’s the hard truth that I can chew on for a while. And we could all use a little more truth.
But when I am afraid, I put my trust in You. O God, I praise Your Word. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?
Psalm 56: 3,4
Our minds are on the Kingdom and our eyes are focused on the Cross. We – yes, I’m talking about you, too – are the Body, the Church, that brings Christ’s light into a dark world. That’s what I trust and believe in even when the enemy tries to feed me lies. That’s what I want to walk in and work with. And on purpose He’s designed it so that I’m not alone. I guess I can choose to trust you, too.
