This is going to be hard.
I don’t want to put up with this anymore. I’m confused and harboring disgust…mostly towards myself and most of the times I am my own worst critic. I don’t understand all how this works. Do I listen to what other people say, do I follow the status quo, do I repeat what has worked in the past, do I…what the heck do I do? Most of these questions come from my naive assumptions of how other people may have expectations on my life. I don’t really know what other people think of me so I just make up their judgments. It’s not a good way for me to be measuring my life nor has it been a good addition to the pile of religion I’ve been packing for years.
I’ve followed the religion in my life for too long. Religion – (noun) the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. Can I reveal what my experience, judgment, and culture has told me what religion is? Religion is a collection of superior minded individuals trying to run the world through high laws and standards unreachable to lost and hurting people; compassion or hope is replaced by dead-lines, good deeds, and hidden motives intended to manipulate and control people. Nice people occupying a pew once a week don’t change the world. I hate it. And I hate that I subconsciously allowed religion to follow me for so long. I could blame it on how I was brought up. I could blame it on the people I chose to hang out with or even the people I avoided. I could blame it on the way our country prioritizes religion. None of that would matter now. I can’t change how things were.
Out of fear or habit I hide behind Jesus. By that I mean when I don’t want to be the real Jesus to others I hide behind the traditions and obligations of religion. I read my Bible, say another scattered and selfish prayer, even find a way to do a simple hand out that doesn’t require real human-to-human contact. I’m afraid to reveal my true self to people. Without thinking I figure if people only see the “Jesus” I portray then they won’t have anything of me to judge. Whether they like me or not it wouldn’t be me. Scared, I refused to be on the hook. No risk – no loss, right? I was stupid. No risk – no gain. And I want to gain Kingdom!! That is how and why I was created. True I can’t change how things have been but I am stepping into another level of freedom and GRACE that will lead me more into the truth of what this is really about.
He died for everyone so that those who receive His new life will no longer live to please themselves. Instead, they will live to please Christ, who died and was raised for them. So we have stopped evaluating others by what the world thinks about them. Once I mistakenly thought of Christ that way, as though He were merely a human being. How differently I think about Him now! What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:15-17
I don’t know what to do when all the instructions and guidance and lessons and history has told me combating things that mostly contradict the true lifestyle of Jesus Christ. Confused and frustrated with myself, what do I do? In the new life I throw away the religion that followed me before! I relish in this new life with TRUTH. I soak in the moments He’s called me to be fully alive with Him and His people. I walk in His GRACE without condemnation or judgment. (Romans 8:1) I want to live! I want to love! I want to be in the freedom of the Spirit. What happens now? God, what do I do now?
The last night in Africa I wept. I wanted more of God and words alone were not enough. I cried and cried out to God not knowing what it was my soul craved but just knowing I needed something more than what I was fooling around with. I asked and He was faithful. But then my religion kicked in and started kicking my butt. We have the freedom in Costa Rica to work within the squad, pray, listen and follow God’s direction for us personally each day. It doesn’t look like the norm. It doesn’t look like a structured set of 9-5 ministry with weekends off. I was offended at first but then saw how much we need this!! We need to practice how this lifestyle goes with us everywhere. What is this lifestyle? What is it we’re really supposed to be doing? Whose expectations are we trying to meet and why? Why any of this? To love God, worship Him, and out of that overflow LOVE the people He’s place around you. Christ was here to serve and He did this out of the overflow of love His Father had for His people – the most precious possession. God invited me to this new level and not another depth of shame and guilt.
True love is love that causes us pain, that hurts, and yet brings us joy. That is why we must pray to God and ask Him to give us the courage to love…Intense love does not measure – it just gives.
-Mother Teresa
This is new territory He’s taking me into so I’m taking some time away from the blogging. Out here there aren’t that many choices of things to fast from. Fasting has been one thing that isn’t religion to me anymore. But instead I have learned priceless gain and life earned from the discipline of fasting – it gets me more focused, more energized, and reaquainted with what’s really important. So I’m taking this time to love His people in a real and active way. God, I just need some time with Your people – away from anything obligated or required or anything else that may fill me with lifeless credit in a world that wants us to be nothing more than “nice” people. I can’t settle for that anymore. I want to love more till it hurts me and surrender any of the meaningless motions that have infected my life. I want to break free.
Thank you so much for joining me in this journey – whether for months or just now. I realize I tend to be harsher on myself than I need to be. Thank you and thank God for grace and love. Bless you! I’ll be back in a couple of weeks. Adios!
Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits at God’s right hand in the place of honor and power. Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth. Since God chose you to be the holy people whom He loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12
