Newsflash: Going on a year-long mission trip won’t automatically make you the perfect missionary.
Dang.
On our first morning in Vietnam, my team met with our new ministry host to discuss the work we’d be doing for the month. He told us that we would be teaching English at an English Club three times a week for University students, and then meet with students during the rest of the week for coffee. Our main goal for the month is to build relationships with students and talk with them about God’s love and hope. After the initial breakfast, we all went to the nearby university, split up into smaller groups, and started inviting students to English Club. Walking onto the campus for the first time, I was PUMPED. It felt great to be back on a college campus- I felt so at home! It was easy to talk with the students, and I had great feelings about our month ahead. I felt confident with our ministry, and confident in my ability to connect with the students. I thought this month would be a piece of cake. We continued the routine of going to the university, splitting into groups, and meeting students on campus every morning for the first few days.
Soon I found myself going through the motions of being a “good missionary”. I would plan English lessons with my team, go to English Club with energy and a giant smile, talk and laugh with the students, hoping to make them feel loved and valued. I would have the meaningful conversations with students in hopes that my words and actions would show them how a “good Christian” acts. I would do activities with my team, give and receive feedback, and do the World Race life.
Going through the motions. Not really inviting the Lord into our ministry, not into our team time, not into my heart.
I had zero drive to spend time with the Lord. I was exhausted physically from a lingering cold, I was exhausted emotionally from pushing my heart so much last month, I was exhausted spiritually from having the Lord constantly stretching me and pointing out all of my crap. I wanted a break. So, I turned to every other distraction I could find: taking naps, going on social media, reading books, watching YouTube videos with my hotel roomies, etc. Other than our ministry of teaching English and meeting students for coffee dates, I would fill the rest of my day with junk, rarely spending quality time with our Father. Every day I would tell myself that I’d have a coffee date with Jesus; that I’d separate myself from the team, go and sit with Him for a solid amount of time to reconnect, and every day I would go through the same cycle of distraction. Until one afternoon I basically forced myself to sit with Him. I started journaling and listening to music, and wrote and wrote and wrote. I complained to Him that I felt distant, that I didn’t feel His presence as much as last month, that I didn’t feel like He was teaching me as much, and ultimately, I felt like I wasn’t worthy of His love and grace.
There was a solid week when I was fighting feelings of embarrassment, comparison, apathy, inadequacy. Satan was whispering lies that I don’t deserve forgiveness or grace, and that I couldn’t possibly let things of the past go. I had to hold on to them, always remember them, and always pay for them. That’s the thing about Satan: he thrives on the times when we feel “distant”. It’s during those times when he swoops in and starts whispering lies in our ear. When we are most likely to believe them. He saw that I was exhausted and didn’t have the drive to fight for the Lord, and he went in for the kill.
Enter the amazing people in my life.
My team was hanging out together talking about…..life, and the Lord gave me the courage to finally open up to them about how I’d been feeling. For those of you who know me well, you know that this isn’t a normal conversation for me to have. But I knew that if I didn’t bring up my struggles or the lies I’d been believing, there wasn’t any way I could overcome them. I had to open myself up, actually acknowledge and voice my crap, and let my team and closest friends speak words of truth and encouragement over me.
I’m not saying that I’ve made drastic changes in my heart and all of a sudden I’m some amazing missionary. Not at all. I’ve still got struggles. I still make mistakes. I still say the wrong thing. I still hurt people. I still have moments where I don’t feel like praying or journaling or doing ministry. But I live with 5 other women who will encourage me and be examples for how Jesus wants me to live. They support me in the midst of all my crappy days and moments. They forgive me when I make mistakes. They love me always.
So, no, going on a year-long mission trip doesn’t make me the “perfect” missionary. But I do have an awesome Father who will never leave me, who will continue working with me, and who never expects me to be perfect.
