Today marks two weeks until launch. I’m running around like a crazy person trying to make sure everything is ready before I leave- all of my gear, clothes, random medicines/toiletries/supplies, getting all of my money in the right accounts, working on WR online courses, etc. At the same time, I’m trying to spend as much time as possible with family and friends. It’s a darn good thing I’m not working any more. Just preparing is a full time job!
This last month since Training Camp has been kind of a roller coaster. I’ve felt so on fire for God, so excited and prepared to leave, but I’ve also had the downward slope of the coaster. I’ve felt so incredibly distant from the Lord, so distracted by everything life has been throwing at me that I don’t even want to spend quality time with God. Those high moments at camp when all I wanted to do was sing and praise and spend hours and hours just resting in His presence? Yeah, those moments were long gone, or so it felt. I had lost that fire. I was letting people and events get in the way and letting them steal my focus. There came a time when I sat down and journaled about it, really facing what had been going on in my heart for the past week or so. I realized that I was angry with God for placing new people in my life when I was just about to leave them. I was angry that I was just starting to form relationships when I wouldn’t be able to nourish them. I was letting the fear and sadness of leaving my family and friends overwhelm me. And to top it all off, I was angry at myself for letting things get in the way, for letting that fire go.
Very recently I met a friend of mine for coffee. At one point in the conversation, I felt the Lord telling me to share my heart. I opened up about my last few weeks- about feeling so connected to God, having that Training Camp high after feeling His awesome presence, and then finding myself feeling so distant. I told her that I basically had to force myself to pray, to read the Bible, to journal and spill my guts to God. And during that time, I was feeling guilty for having to force it- I’m supposed to be this missionary about to go on an amazing journey… and there I was, without that fire. But after forcing those conversations with Him and repeating prayers that I wasn’t sure if I fully believed, I started to feel Him again. And at that point, I started getting really really excited for the Race. It was like all of a sudden, the weight on my chest that kept reminding me that leaving my life in Kansas was going to be devastating was lifted.
It wasn’t until I was honest with myself, and honest with God, when I finally became truly excited about the journey to come. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, I will have my heart broken. Yes, I will be homesick more than I would like. And yes, I will wonder why I ever signed up. But at the same time, I know that God is going to flip my heart upside down in the hardest and best way possible. I am confident that I am going to learn more about Him than I can ever imagine. I’m sure that I will see joy among the most extreme poverty. And I am going to gain a whole new family of crazy people who love Jesus, the broken, the sick, and the neglected.
In this time, Jesus keeps reminding me that having a relationship with Him is similar to having a relationship with anyone else, except a million times better. Like any other relationship, it’s a two-way street, and we have to intentionally work to keep it strong. We have to do our share of the relationship- we have to pursue Him. We have to put in our time and energy and heart and soul. We can’t just sit sedentary and expect to be filled with the fire of Jesus. We have to ask, we have to pursue, we have to pray, we have to learn, we have to dig. But the part that makes a relationship with Jesus unlike any other? Once we ask, pursue, pray, or even begin to scratch the surface, Jesus is right there waiting for us. He’s waiting to embrace us, fill us up, love us, and make us more like Him.
Like I mentioned at the beginning, I am leaving in TWO WEEKS from today! On Friday, September 5, I will fly back to Atlanta. I’ll be reunited with my beautiful L squad, and we will spend a few days there doing final preparations. From there, we will head out to our first country– CAMBODIA!!
THANK YOU for all of your prayer support during my prep! Please continue to pray for my heart during these two weeks. Also, please continue to pray for my squad, and for my team, Burning Joy.
If you would like to join me on this journey with the Lord, consider making a tax-deductible donation. I have $5639 left to be fully funded. Thank you!!
I want to see as many of you as possible before I leave- send me a message on here, or on Facebook, or call me, or text me, or stop by the house! Let’s hang out!
xo, Caitlin
