Sometimes I am told that I am selfless. I will make a face or put on a stiff smile thinking that if I say thank you I would somehow prove them wrong.
The truth is I am not selfless. I am scared.
I have hidden behind the ideas of selflessness, humility, and servitude for a long time. I have often used them as an excuse to avoid a life I am too scared to live.
I have missed out on a lot because I “give up” something. It has become a form of identity, a door to approval, comparison and all kinds of desolate places.
I was always the girl who would volunteer at events, do the dishes, be the last in line, and always listen during team time.
The truth is I will volunteer at an event because I feel useless if I don’t. I will do the dishes so that people will like me. I will volunteer to go last because then maybe we will run out of time and I won’t have to participate. I listen to others so that I don’t have to talk myself.
I will watch the children or stay home with the sick, and often times I really do want to do those things, but sometimes I don’t. It is then not selflessness, but guilt. It becomes an excuse, yet another bar in my self-built prison where I feel safe to watch the world go by.
But what if I was selfish? Just for a day?
What if I took my life and didn’t let anything hold me back from living it?
What if I took risks even if it meant offending someone?
I always believed that real humility meant I must never impose or offend someone. Well, actually yes, sometimes we must.
I am tired of being nice, “Minnesota nice” where it is only surface level. Maybe I don’t want to always be in the background anymore. Maybe I want to go first for once.
I want to be real. I want to live selfishly for God. I want to take as much adventure, love, joy and risk that He will give me. I don’t want to miss out on things I am supposed to do because I am being nice because that, in the end, is the most selfish thing I could ever do.
I will not be controlled by fear and excuses. I will not be controlled by “selflessness” anymore. I will not hide behind it from the life I was meant to live.
