This is a blog from deep in my heart. It is one that I have been struggling with all year and has been a reoccurring theme throughout this year and most of my life. I have started this blog many times and have not had the courage to post it. I have many versions archived in my word documents, but I feel like it is something I need to share.
I always thought that God made some people beautiful and others not, but then gave them other stuff like humor or a good personality to make up for it. I always thought of myself as one of the latter.
I never thought of myself as beautiful…and I don’t know if I ever will. But I was always okay with that…mostly. It is what people see most clearly. It is the first thing that people notice about you so it is hard to cast it aside as not important. Physical beauty and an outgoing personality will seem to get you everything in this world. Everything I thought I wanted.
I have constantly compared myself against others. Because they are beautiful, they are better than me. Everyone loves them, so there must be something important that they have that I am missing… right? It seems only logical. Your worth should be defined by how much people like you. They are the ones you have to live with every day… I want people to like me. If I was beautiful, if I talked more, if I did more exciting things, if, if, if…
One day God told me to get up and stand in front of the mirror, something I really hate doing after 11 months living out of a backpack in third world countries. He said, “I made you just the way I wanted you…perfect.” I made a face at myself in the mirror. “Say it out loud.” I hesitated.
“I am perfect.”
“I made you beautiful. It is Me who makes things beautiful.”
This one I could barely get out. “I am beautiful.”
How can I judge what I look like through people’s eyes? They see such a small part of me. God sees everything, all of the good and all of the bad, and still loves me more than I can understand. That is the miracle of love. When there are so many reasons not to love somebody, we still do anyway.
When He looks at me, He only sees beautiful things. He sees so much more than my face. He took all of the bad things, the ugly things and buried them at the cross.
I am not beautiful because of my face, or even my personality. Stars are only beautiful because they are light in a dark sky. The moon is only beautiful because it reflects the light of the sun. Otherwise it is hidden in darkness. Things cannot be beautiful in darkness.
People liking the life that I lived will not save me from the death that I deserve. I don’t want to be defined by how much I am loved by people. I want to be defined by how much I love others. That is how Jesus is defined.
God is not God because people on earth love Him. He is God because He loved us so purely and completely. That is why He is beautiful. And that is why I am beautiful, because I am a part of Him.
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Proverbs 31: 30
