Peace. It was what I desperately needed and didn’t have. What I longed for so deeply. I no longer had peace about continuing to lead my team, but stepping down as a leader didn’t feel right either. I was tired, empty, and didn’t know where to go. Team Radiance was stuck, but the truth was as their leader I was stuck. So I did what any good leader would do. I panicked! I called my leaders and told them that I couldn’t do it anymore and if they wanted me to continue to lead I needed help. Real smooth, I know. Suddenly the calm, cool, collected Caitlin that sought God for answers was nowhere to be found. I was trying to rely on my own strength and solve everything with my own wisdom. That as most of us know is never a good idea. Thankfully my squad leaders and I were able to talk about where this all was coming from and what we needed to do to move foreword. They asked me to pray, to get alone, and seek God’s heart and voice. So that is exactly what I did and this is what I heard.
Fear was written all over my heart. I was afraid. I was afraid that I didn’t have the answers. I was afraid that if my team was stuck it was my fault, that I had failed. I was afraid of what people would think if I decided I needed a break and needed time to fill back up. I was afraid that if I continued to lead I would be running on empty and afraid that that would be detrimental to my team. There is one thing I know and that is that fear is not of God and so I knew that I needed to confront these things head on.
God began to gently peel back the layers of fear in my heart one by one. He began to really speak to me through the story of Moses. The boldness that it took for Moses to bring the Israelites out of Egypt. The trust and obedience he had towards God. That despite Moses’ clear interaction with God, the Israelites still grumbled and even rebelled by making the golden calf. One story spoke to me clearly. In Exodus while Joshua was fighting the Amelikites, Moses, Aaron and Hur went up on a hill and watched the battle. When Moses lifted his staff to the Lord Joshua was winning, but when he put his hands down the Amelikites were winning. So all day long Moses stood raising his arms to the Lord. Here is what spoke to me so clearly. When Moses got tired Aaron and Hur would hold his hands up for him. They were his strength when Moses no longer had any.
It funny because I don’t feel like God gave me any clear answers, but after getting on my face and praying I had the peace I so desperately needed. God showed me that if I continued to lead He would send me an Aaron or Hur. People to hold my hands up if I could no longer hold them up myself. He would equip me with strength and wisdom. On the other side of that, I knew that God might be calling me into a season of being Aaron, being the support to Moses. Aaron was created to be a leader in his own right, but he obediently supported Moses because he knew that Moses was the Lord’s anointed.
God began to speak to me about my identity; how He created me to be a leader. This has come up time and time again in my life. I have always said that leadership was action and not a title. Most of my life I have had the title, but could I continue to lead without it, with out the prestige? What was my idea of success as a leader? Had I been obedient to what God had asked of me in leading my team over the previous 7 months.? I knew the answer was yes.
So there it was, I finally had the peace I needed. I knew that the title of leader wasn’t wrapped in my identity. I knew that for this next season God could call me to be an Aaron and I would do it well. I also knew that God could continue to call me to lead the rest of the race. That idea was no longer filled with fear, but filled His peace that truly surpasses all understanding. I just needed to stop relying solely on myself and get alone with God. I was able to call my leaders back and share with them how God spoke. I knew team changes were coming across the whole squad and some big changes for me and my team were in store…
To hear what happened read Changes Pt. 2…
