I’ve been putting of writing a blog because I want to be honest and I wasn’t ready to be honest. It’s been really hard here. I didn’t want to say that, because I know how many people want me to be happy. The truth is I am happy sort of. I have lots of good stories to tell about the kids I’ve been spending my days with and the people I have talked to on the street. I will tell those stories, but right now I just have to share my heart.
God has placed me with an amazing team, amazing kids, and a lot of things to be thankful for but it’s been hard here. Change is always hard and I find myself in that same two step. Not wanting to trust the people God has put in my life. It’s hard to open up to new people who are not Klike me, and don’t know the things I’ve been through. I find myself isolating at times which is hard with a house of 46 but believe me when I can isolate I find a way. I miss the comfort places I had in St Louis. I can’t just call Jamie for coffee or drive over to the Nunn’s house or hang with Adina.
I know it’s a learning process and I have to live one day at a time. I try to remind myself of the simple truths everyday but it’s hard. I wanted growth and I guess these are just the growing pains. In some ways it reminds me of my early days of sobriety , but God brought me through those days and he will bring me through these as well.
I prayed all those prays to be closer to God, to break my heart for what breaks yours and now it is happening and I want to run. I’ve always ran away from things, but I am praying for the strength to run to God. I will not quit. Even if I fight it at times I want to be changed. I want to want to be loved by God and others. That’s the best I can do right now. I am learning acceptance and what it means to accept myself the good and the bad, because God accepts all of it. I refuse to go back to my old way of self doubt, fear, shrinking the cross.
I will update you all on stories later, but for now this is where I am. Honestly I believe it’s a good place. No change in my life has ever come without many tears and a lot of wrestling with God.
