These
thoughts came to me after reading this quote from the book Wide Awake by
Erwin Mcmanus
” You can only give to
others what you have. You have to be alive to resuscitate the unconscious, much
less raise the dead”
I‘ve been wrestling with my decision
to postpone my trip to later in the year. I was all about leaving in January
until God told me otherwise. It was the hardest decision I have made in a long
time, because my heart still yearns to go out to serve the poor all around the
world. It’s what I’ve wanted to do since I was a child.
When
I was younger I would think about who I wanted to be. At first I wanted to be
Gandhi. Who cares that I am not male or Indian. I read about what Gandhi did in
India and his passion and I wanted it. Then I wanted to be Mother Teresa. I
became obsessed with reading about her, and how she loved those who are
hurting. How she saw the importance of loving those as they leave this life and
pass on to the next life.
While
those were my dreams God doesn’t want me to be Mother Teresa or Gandhi. God
wants me to be completely satisfied in who he made ME to be. God used those
people in amazing ways. Don’t get me wrong I still love Gandhi, Mother Teresa,
Dorothy Day, MLK, but God wants me to be Who I am. God wants me to be fully
alive. God wants me to be fully present to Him. God is not as concerned about
my actions as my heart. If my heart is breaking and I love others but don’t
care about my life that doesn’t please God.
God
wants me. Not the things I can do for Him. I believe we all have a
responsibility to love one another out of the love that comes from Him but I
believe first we have to soak in His love for us.
It
is my greatest desire to see Heaven come to Earth. To see lives changed. To see women who lives are broken from the
evil that is Sex Trafficking be set free. To see men who abused these women
realize what they have done and to have their hearts opened. Oh how I long for
the end of poverty and the end of tears.
While
it’s great that God has given me this passion. He wants my tears to end as
well. His heart breaks for me as much as His heart breaks for anyone suffering
around the world. He wants my own spiritual poverty to end. He desires for my depression to be a thing of
the past.
I
do not need to be perfect to go out. No one does. But I need more of the
healing that comes from God. I need more truth and less lies. This world needs
Hope. This world doesn’t need another person to give them food and water that
doesn’t last. I can only give those hurting what I have. So while it’s been a
hard decision to postpone for a few months I am confident that the Lord will
work in my life to bring me to the point where I am resting in Him enough to go
out and share the hope I have.
.
