I feel like I’ve been looking for love all my life. Unfortunately, I’ve been looking in all the wrong places.
I’ve always wanted someone to love me like I know I can love. And I’m not just talking about girl/boy relationships. I’m talking friendships too. Someone who would be there for me when I needed them. Who cares for me. Who wants me. I can’t help but think of the song lyrics, by Cheap Trick, that say “..I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I’d love you to love me…”. But honestly that’s how I feel sometimes. To have someone who cares enough for me to want me and need me.
So far in my life, I haven’t found it.
Recently, I’ve been feeling quite lonely. My best friend of 10 years is most likely getting married while I am on the race. I am so happy that she has found someone that loves her the way she deserves to be loved. But, me being her best friend… is feeling quite left out. She already lives 14hrs away from me and now things are going to change even more for our friendship. I would like to attend her wedding but its not an option for me as I will be out of the country.
The point is, I’ve been looking to people for love. I’ve been looking to imperfect beings to fulfill my need for love and happiness.
Time and time again, I turn to people to fulfill me and they just can’t. People are imperfect (including me). People let you down. Try as they might, they can’t fulfill what I ask of them. No matter how much I give and give to them. They can’t. Even though, I may not get anything in return, for all the giving I’ve done, should that bother me? Probably not. But I’ve found it does.
Now, don’t get me wrong, giving isn’t bad! It’s good! It’s a great thing. In fact, as Christian’s we are called to give and not expect anything in return. Luke 6:35a says,
“But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return…”
Giving isn’t always easy. In fact, it’s quite hard to do. None the less, that is what I am called to do as a daughter of the King. And well, He’s been teaching me, that’s for sure.
But, as I said earlier, I’ve been looking in all the wrong places. I’ve been giving and expecting people to give back. To do something. But, I won’t find what I’m looking for in friends, boys, parents, siblings… anyone. Only in God will I find it. He does want me. HE WANTS ME! How He loves me! And I need Him so desperately.
I think then, and only then I’ll be happy. Truly and wonderfully happy.
Now all I have to do is trust in Him and He’ll take care of me the way I have been wanting my whole life.
Sounds simple right?
Wrong.
I’ve trained myself to try and depend on people, imperfect, unreliable, finicky people. God is like, “Let me take care of you, I’ve got this under control. Trust me, I’ve got you. I love you.” But, I’m scared.. scared that He won’t take care of me, scared that He’ll leave me.
Can you believe it?! I’m scared that the God who “…so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16), won’t be there for me. Won’t take care of me. He gave His only son for me. For you. For all of us. Cause He loves us that much. He LOVES ME THAT MUCH!
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” – Matthew 10:29-31
He will take care of me.
He will love me.
He DOES love me.
Even though I’ve been foolish in the past, He’s always been there for me. Waiting for me to realize that He’s been there the entire time and isn’t going anywhere. EVER.
Looks like I’ve come to a conclusion.
I’m trusting God to take care of me the way I’ve always wanted to be taken care of. The way I need to taken care of and loved. Sounds like the best idea I’ve had yet.
I’ve found a love that’s real.
