When I was a child, I was known as the “quiet” kid. The don’t worry, she’s not shy, she’s just “reserved” one. The one who didn’t have much to say or must not have had anything of value to say or she would have said it, right? The one who’s shout sounded more like a whisper.
And people liked to talk about it. To me. Around me. About me. Behind me.
And though, no, I’m definitely not the loudest in the room (I’m not quite sure how some people’s vocal cords hit that volume ;)), lies from the enemy began to hang on me like chains at a very young age as those phrases were regularly spoken over me. Now most of the people who said these things about me when I was young did not do so meaning harm. In fact, I believe they were trying to make me feel better about how I was in comparison to other kids or maybe justify my demeanor. But to a little Caitlin who then grew up, I began to feel silenced and insecure about my voice. I started to feel awkward in social interactions involving more than 2-3 people unless I knew them really well and extremely nervous giving oral presentations in front of classes. Though I loved singing, someone close to me told me on multiple occasions that my voice wasn’t good enough for a solo or to be up front but, could maybe be a “choir voice”. So, I never pursued activities that involved vocals. I threw myself into studying dance and playing sports instead. I used my body for expression and for worship and though I loved every minute, I still spent much of high school and college figuring out how to speak up and express myself with my words.
Fast forward to my sophomore year of college and while studying abroad in Italy, a good friend of mine commented on my singing while we were making dinner one night and asked me if I had ever led worship. My eyes got wide, I probably laughed, and said something along the lines of “You’re joking right? No. Never. I don’t sing that well”. My heart had always been one of worship. I best connect with the Lord in worship through music. But, never in a million years did I ever consider leading worship. She proceeded to bug me the rest of our time in Italy about my voice. I didn’t believe her but, a few links fell off those chains that semester.
Over the next four years as I became a life group leader for high school girls at my church, I grew more confident in using my voice to speak Truth because Jesus was lovingly showing me how He wanted to use me for His glory. He told me that He heard me, saw me, and that what I had to say had value. In addition, random friends and family during that time would occasionally make comments to me about my singing voice. Last year, in a heel dragging, last minute decision because they needed it and I felt the Holy Spirit draw me in, I helped lead worship for the first time by singing background for the high school ministry worship. I was nervous. I’m pretty sure my voice cracked once. But, more chains fell that day.
Training Camp for the World Race, however, revealed that I still had some work to do. I again felt moments of feeling silenced in our squad of 56, like my voice wouldn’t matter. And when we had a night where a group interested in leading worship for the squad was formed, I immediately let the enemy speak lies to me and I discounted myself as being good enough, especially with my lack of experience.
I carried some of these lies into last month in Lesotho. I went through the month trying to fly under the radar. I convinced myself that I needed a month or two to get my feet wet in what this experience was going to be like. Though I partnered with the Lord in ministry, I recognized that there were moments and opportunities when I shied away from using my voice as well as I could or in general, using the gifts God has given me. Like the servant who received one talent in Matthew 25, I hid my talent and didn’t invest it.
So this month, I let Him into those lies. I let Him show me grace for not stewarding my gifts well last month. And then He spoke Truth to me about the gifts He’s given me.
He loves me. He loves my voice. He loves my heart of worship.
So, I said yes to Him. I trusted that He knows what He is doing and listened to Him rather than the lies of the enemy.
On Thursday, I joined two others and led worship for the first time for our entire squad. Ushering our squad to the throne of our King was one of the most beautiful things I have ever been a part of.
My voice isn’t silenced anymore.
I’m using my voice for the Lord.
He’s using it to bring freedom.
