It's nearing the end of my six month on the race. I feel drained – lack joy – & need my vision renewed. Most times when I wake up I don't look forward to going to ministry but instead desire to stay in my tent. To be alone & away from society. Spending time with The Lord comes hard – I try to sit in His presence, to hear His voice – but most times I fail. I become distracted, bored, or frustrated. His voice? Harder to hear these days. The word? A bit less enjoyable.
I've hit that point that I heard so much about from friends who are missionaries. I said,"Oh I'll never get there. It's only 11 months. It'll be great!" Oh, was I wrong. I want to throw in the towel & yell I'm done! I'm done & ready to go home.
Earlier this week I sat outside of a coffee shop with one of my dearest friends on the squad. As we sat tears began streaming down my face – there was no stopping them. She only had to ask one question, "Cait, what's going on?" Instantly I word vomited – I explained to her that I had no more to give. I was at the end of my rope. I told her how I was battling one major lie – that I was forgotten by my community back home. How that lie made it even harder to hold tightly to this mission.
As I sit here, alone in my tent. I can hear a faint whisper saying, "There is beauty in this time." I'm reminded that now that all my strength is gone – I can fully walk in His. Now that my visions withered away – He can give me His vision. Now that my joy is gone – I can fully experience His. Now that my patience is gone – I can fully abide and feel His patience with me, His daughter. Now that I feel "done with it all" – I can fully accept His steady plan for my time here. Now that I have surrendered (somewhat unwillingly) – I can fully gain, to the fullest, who He is again and what He has for me.
A verse a dear friend from home sent me has allowed my heart to fully rest in knowing our God is faithful & true.
Yet I am confident I will see the Lords goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for The Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for The Lord. Psalm 27:13-14
