Sometimes I wish I could go back. Maybe rewind the disk of life, and remove the twists and turns that have begun to put a knot in my throat. The weight of what my eyes, heart, and spirit have been opened to on the World Race has brought me so much growth, but has lately left me with a hard pill to swallow and an often crippling mindset.
On the Race I have gained more knowledge from reading the bible than ever before, and have invested in intense community with the people around me. Every day we push into pain, vulnerability, and the vision of Gods design for the body of Christ. With this immense intake of knowledge and ideas, I would sometimes rather hide. Dreaming about what life use to be before the Race. The naivety of my past seems quite attractive in comparison to the swirling chaos that my mind has begun to face. Truly, I was blind to reality.
I know that God is sovereign, I know that He is love and grace, I know He has purpose for my life, and I know I am forgiven. Yet, as I thrash through struggles of impurity, comparison, and faith, it seems that following God feels more suffocating and full of pressure than ever. I constantly feel like I am doing something wrong, pursuing the “wrong good”; and through this determination to do good, I drive myself to a certain feeling of separation from my savior (never being good enough).
I am impatient with His perfect plan and vision for my life, and my situation has once again tempted anger to build up inside me. I desire often to simply fall to my knees before God and yell as loud as I can. letting tears fill my eyes. Why is existence so hard sometimes? Why must I live from one mountain top experience to the next? Lord I am so tired.
I just finished reading 1st and 2nd Samuel this last week and observed what incredible men of God David and Solomon were. Even in their sin, God anointed and loved them dearly. Why do I withhold this love from myself? What must I do to be as close to God as David, and believe the truths I read in the bible? I feel like a drifting piece of flesh, rotting in the mundane valleys of life, waiting for God to lift me back up to the prosperity I have tasted before.
I have become trapped in a vicious cycle. Beginning with the ROOT of uncertainty, in Gods love for me (I follow my feelings over what I know to be true). Leading to an unhealthy fear of God, and concern in salvation. Creating false ideas of Gods commandments. What must I do, how hard must I push, what qualities must I attain in order to receive Gods love? Which finally derives a sadness, incompleteness, and pressure filled life. Chasing after anything I can find satisfaction and shelter in. The things that are tangible, the things I can feel. Relationships, sex, items, adventure, travel. When all my heart and spirit truly desire is to have unity with God. I want to throw my attraction and craving for this world away.
Life can be so hard, and I don’t know if my anger is righteous or if it’s an evil, but I do know that God has a commitment with me. He would be the last to leave me where I am, and I praise Him for that. I must be completely honest, I am extremely tired of doubt, and being so unsure of my life; but I do know that I will never stop fighting.
The biggest thing God has taught me on the Race is to remember His faithfulness. Learning how to live and trust, even in the mundane of life. God will always be my focus and passion, and I need to hold tight to the things my heart and mind already know. We were placed on this earth to Love, and even if at times I am consumed by self hatred or doom, there is three things I will strive to live for. Love, faith, and trust in God.
After all, who can compare to you Father, who rules my heart the way you do? May I one day understand the love you have for me, and relieve this pressure I face, and find the same unmeasurable love and peace I know you have for others. Amen.
