Battling against a world now born into sin is a crazy revelation to wake up to every morning. There is no way to avoid it, and no way to choose when we are brought into it. The beauty, heartache, pain, joys, destruction, and blessings are all interwoven. So the real question is, what are we going to do with this life?
Back in Guatemala my team really strived during the last month to do as much as possible, because we want to make sure we are not wasting a penny of our supported money for the Lord’s work. However, for me, I have been exhausted lately. I feel like there is no possible way I could be doing more. We had Cerebral Palsy hospital from 8-11:30 then a soccer tournament from 2-5 and after that on Tuesdays Thursdays we taught English in a near by town from around 3-6:30pm. When my team was wondering how we could do more, my heart sank, and this is why.
Not only have I been sick for the last month off and on including this whole past week, with off and on fever, ear infection, runny nose, and cough (I am finally feeling better health wise). But I also am struggling greatly with being in foreign countries where nothing is familiar, especially during the Christmas season. I never expected this because I thought I would love traveling and doing missions.
God has also been revealing a couple of ways I view Him and His character. Whether these traits have developed unintentionally or not, it’s put me in a rough place spiritually, emotionally, and physically on the mission field.
I think I have really begun to believe that God is not doing His part, and in order for me to be the best Christian and “EARN” Jesus’s love I have to be doing crazy works for Christ. The bigger and crazier the experience, the more people that come to Christ, the more spiritual I am, the better I lead my team, these are the things that will earn Christ’s love for me, and bring others into His glory. I feel like it’s been all left up to us.
I know these things to be false in my head, but a common theme I am finding out about myself is that I can’t get my heart to believe. I am intensely struggling with finding my identity in Christ in all aspects of my life, and I think that’s the root of so many of my pain and struggles of knowing God. I need trust!
Jesus didn’t come so I could wallow here today and struggle with why The Lord brought me to Thailand. He died to cover everything with grace. There is literally no room for me to continue saying, “it’s about me!” Cause it’s not, and I don’t want it to be.
God can bring every soul to His kingdom perfectly on His own, but I am learning The Great Privilege of working alongside my King so that I may understand His love. God doesn’t need us, but he wants us. So why am I so worried about the lost, the poor, the hungry? Why do I doubt everyday Gods hands and presence on this earth? God has us all, and there is a perfect plan. All I can do is trust, and pray that God takes me to the nations, wherever that may be, and teaches me how to love to the fullest of Jesus in my heart. So that one day Jesus becomes my one and only delight. And through this I can share Gods heart with his children.
